So, blogger, I am in the mood for another adventure. By that, I mean that I'm in the mood to write something and I can't really come up with anything satisfactory, so I'm going to do something I call "blind stream of consciousness". The whole problem, I find, with "stream of consciousness" is that you look back at what you have written and allow it to influence where your mind is going. Don't lie, you know you do it too. So, because my typing skills are pretty good, I close my eyes. Until I'm done. I mean, typos are corrected by backspacing with my eyes closed, trying to discern/remember exactly what mistake I made. However, as in normal stream of consciousness, grammar is thrown out the window. If you feel brave, you may take this journey with me by reading onward. If not, I won't hold it against you. Just...don't read too quickly. I'm not exactly a record-breaking typist [laughs]. So my thoughts, while about the speed of the text, are the speed of the typed text, not the speed of the read text. (oh, and I'm listening to t r a n c e [] c o n t r o l)

It has been a long day. I don't know exactly where it stopped or ended, but that's what I want to say. I've lost the thread, well, the Exact thread, of it all. But that's how it goes some days. Some days you just keep going, like an energizer bunny, and some days you just wander like picking your way through a previously unexplored forest, holding your shoes in your hand because you want to feel the earth and grass beneath your feet, and you just keep walking in whichever direction you want to at that exact moment. My day hasn't been exactly like that, but kinda close. I read two books, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, and Prince Caspian, books 1 and 2 in The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. They're nice, but very obviously children's books. I want to dance, but I don't want to go out. I also need to shower before i g go out [laughs]. But whatever. It's not as if you care what I look like, sleeping late and reading and gardening and sitting in front of my computer. I mean, there's always the sexy talk, "What are you wearing?" :What are You wearing?" [laughs] whatever. I can imagine lots of things, so I don't need that. Grace was online tday, so that was nice. I got to talk a little, inbetween reading my book [laughs]. It isn't so much the beat as the rhythm, if you know what I mean. Music has a beat, and that's the actual sounds that make up the metric structure of the song, but the rhythm is different, while corresponding to the beat. Sometimes it syncopates, or however you spell that. Sometimes it follws exactly. I've always been a firm believer in not allowing music to stagnate, but I've also not been one to let words die from lack of use, either. Well, words that make sene to use, anyway. There are some cray words, of which I can't give you examples, for a reason, that just make no sense to have in your vocabulary. No one knows them, much less yourself. No one needs them, because there is something else tha tworks just as well in their steads. Or, no onOops, tried to backspace by holding down backspace, don't know how much I got [laughs]. Oh well, it happens. That's why blind journaling is blind journaling. I can't stand it though I like it so much. Not moving. I always stand around doing little spins or foot sweeps, or shifting my weight to work on my balance. Sitting is almost unnatural to me, in charis here in front of the computer it's necessary, in front of a steering wheel it's necessary. Anywhere else? No, not really. Kat and Michelle are going to be at dance class tomorrow, but Drew has work. [sighs]. I just cheated, I stretched, and I opened my eyes to find hte keys. Don't worry, I didn't look at the screen. [laughs]. Blind journaling is also useful for writing stories that you keep finding yourself blocked on, because you keep wanting to go back and edit them. It doesn't help you make sense of anything, but it helps you get stuff actually written out on electronic paper (I do not use the phrase edashpaper_. I totally have no idea if I hit the parenthesis or not [laughs]. Anyway, life is movement, life is sounds, recording in words and songs, but they are just composites of things that already have power. I am always struck by certain keys, certain phrase structures, certain words or tonal groupings, but no one ever cares about those anymore. I think I'm just a random freak. The scinetist of language and sound, disecting words the way lab workers disect pigs and frogs and brains and the universe aroun dus. Oh yah, the ohter thing about blind journaling is that you lose your balance. [laughs]. You find yourslef regaining your balance, but it's off center, as if you were a leaning tower of Pisa. It seems so normal for us to see it sideways now that we can't imagine it upright. Fill in the voids, fill in the gaps, make me sing a song of longing that already exists, or turn the pages on a world that no long er matters, this is true journaling, typing as fast as the words come into your head that lack all conformity to rules all is nothing, I have no idea what I'm sayin ghalf the time but my figners don't stop because my mind doesn't stop and I can't stop the words from spilling out like eggs, insects, like some honey monstersed dish of egg bread man I'm not even hungry I don't know why I'm thinking of eggs [laughs] but it happens and I have no idea where to go, I am running down blindly dark alleys, have you ever played that game where you walk somewhere you know you've been and you're not going to hit something but you close your eyes and see how many steps can you take, how many beacuse you get frightened not of the dark not of hitting something simply of not knowing where hyou are, like a search algorythm, for every second there is a larger and larger space that you might be based on your initial position gand possibility of motion variance, you make a cone or horn or even a sphere depending on what you're doing, it's crazy. And sometimes you stop and try to figure out where you are without cheating and opening your eyes, and sometimes you keep walking but you open your eyes because you can' ttake it anymore, I don't know, I think going blind would be my preference of disability. I think I could live with not being able to see. I would have to clear a lot of space for dancing, and I can already mostly type, I just couldn't edit [laughs]. I could still play my cello, and sing songs. I couldn't read lips anymore, to help me cheat and learning songs on the fly [laughs] oh well, I'm not blind, I m just thinking about it. What disability would you choose if you were forced to? Like making a video game character, you get some strength snad some weaknesses, no perfect character, only balanced but not fantastic if you don't want a slow and powerful one or fast and somewhat weak one or highly magical but not very physical or smart and not agile or dumb and physically amazing. I don't know, the superhuman does not exist because there is no such thing ans havin gno flaws is impossible. sometimes I type one word and I meant to type another so I have to shift the sentence I was typing, on the fly, you understand, to incorporate that word. If you are looking, you can change it. Here, I can't. This is more naturally me than anything else you'll ever get, and yet it's not because there are always sublayers to what I'm thinking about. I'm busy missing Grace, and thinking about dancing, and the people I dance with, and the people I don't dance with, and the people who I wish I could be friends with but they have lives that don't corss mine enough, and my actual friends who I don't see enough because I'm a jerk or something and how I didn't call back Kat yesterday, and I couldn't get anyone on the phone today but I didn't call the people that I always talk to expect Drew because I always call him beacuse I have his number memorized, I uused to have 4 memorized numbers, now it's only his and Grace' numbers, and not her cell either, just her home phone number, which granted includes the calling card info, but still. [sighs]. And sometimes I sit in silence. perhaps I should put an elipsis, but the whole point of sitting in silence is that you're sitting in silence, not thinking about typing elipses to fill the void of not thinking about something else, because you're then thinking about ellipses, and that's not silence at all. And sometimes you just take a deep breath. thinking takes something out of you, that's why I do it, that's why I write, I already feel half empty from earlier, like a glass left under a leaky faucet, it's a big leak, ora small cup, but either way I have to empy it sometimes, or it becaomes too much and overflows, soaking the cup, making a mess. nobody wants a mess. I put up with messes sometimes, because I'm that kind of guy. I don't know, I hate being an asshole, I hate being the scummy person I'm becoming at times. It's not the jokes, it's the way I think, just like it's not the way you look but the way you think, a beautiful person isn't beautiful if there is nothing on the inside. "No one is creepy on the inside, Hazel." a quote from The Sandman, speaker is Death, Morpheus' older sister. heh hit non techno. I heard about a music and dance called House the other day, supposedly has replaced Tachno and raving, though techno has been out anyway replaced by electronica and ambient, I don't think anyone calls themselves a techno artist anymore. It's all club mixes and smood music and stuff, don't know. But raving, i.e. rave dancing, is out, so I'll have to tell Drew, because he doesn't know. that's fine, ballroom was out once, swing was out once, it just took dedicated people still doing it, no tletting it die, to bring it back to mainstream. You never know, you never know. I think I'm done, I'm not empty, but I"m empty enough, and if you read all this crap I just wrote, I'm very impressed with you, because I'm not going to freakin' reread it [laughs]. [sighs] Ok, goodnight, blogger. STay sane, in whatever ways you have to. And keep dreams alive, because we are nothing without them, they define reality for us, as death defines life, despair defines joy, desire defines hatred, etc. darkness, and it's good.