What am I doing, blogger? Where am I going? What is my plan? I was expressing the source of my current funk to a friend on aim, and the words that I used were that I feel like everyone is getting a life and leaving me behind. As happy as I am for them getting lives (or seeming lives, since appearances can be deceiving), I am sad that I am spending less time with them. I realize that I don't like dancing...I love dancing. Dancing is more and more unsatisfying to me...because I'm not improving. I love midnight rodeo, and we learned new moves the last couple weeks, but it has been a long time since my dancing actually improved as a result of dance class. I love to tango, but hate the inconvenience of the venues and the tendency of tango dancers to be snobby and/or exclusive, seeming to stick to the friends they bring instead of making friends. I love swing dancing, but I can't make it to lessons, and I never get practice because whenever I'm dancing, the desire to improvise beats the desire to practice. I don't remember the last time I danced an entire song doing lindy hop...it has always been a swing with alternative steps with lindy moves thrown in, or a lindy that reverts to swing at times in order to throw in moves that I don't know for lindy.

[sighs] and that's not all. I don't read enough. The amount of reading I do is unsatisfying. I often go a week or more before seeing some of my friends, and I ought to have some book to talk about, but I don't. On that subject, I see my friends at dancing and have no real social time with them. It's nice that some of my swing dance friends try to go out for food and chatting after dancing, which brings back fond memories of ballroom freshman and sophomore year, but I still never see anyone except at dancing. Even prayer time with Vanessa, before it dwindled into non-existance, we tried to schedule on the way to or from something else. My life feels...unsatisfying. I am an unsatisfying dancer, unsatisfying friend, unsatisfying reader, unsatisfying writer, unsatisfying brother, unsatisfying cook, unsatisfying boyfriend, unsatisfying person. I'm a piece of chocolate, for dessert or special occassions. I don't want to be candy. I am going to change that. It may not be the change my life needs, that step to the person that I want and intend to be, but it's a start. It's a start. I'm going to bed tonight one step closer to not being contemptuous.