I'm...confused. I feel lost right now, and I'm not quite sure why. [laughs] well, at the precise moment, I've been fighting with Dreamweaver for the last several hours trying to make a particular thing work. I'm trying to create a real webpage. As much as this blog is helpful and nice to have, it's not quite what I would want to direct potential employers to. But that's not what's bothering me the most. I am, at this moment, balanced on the pinnacle of a peak I call (or invented just now) Mount Frustration. I climb this mountain through procrastination, yet, when I am moving toward this peak, I feel like I'm moving downhill, paying no attention whatsoever to where I'm going. Yet, it is not downhill, because it is when I am at the top that everything else feels like downhill, in a good way. I mean to say that I am at the exact place at which a step in any direction will begin my movement toward some fate. I can't see the end of any road. All I know is that I am ready to act, but I hesitate, not because of fear but out of simply being caught up in the view. For several days I have felt the mountain breeze in my hair, the cold air in my lungs, yet it is at this moment that I have reached the point at which I look up and see all around me. It is so joyful to see...just...world in all directions. My first step is whether to go to bed or do some job hunting tonight, and I'm going to do some job hunting. The second is already determined for me; tomorrow night I'm going out to help my uncle rewire data cables in the office of one of his clients. In a month, I could go to visit Natalie's aunt in New York, who works for Newsweek and has lots of contacts (Natalie is going and invited me, though I have to pay for my own plane ticket). And, seeing Jackie today for, literally, the first time in over three years, made me realize that I have more than a casual desire to contact old friends, those people whose faces bounce around in my head because I had some sort of familiar contact with them. ...But in some cases I don't know where to start. It's almost like I was just bitten by wanderlust, and it surprised me, though I've been throwing sticks at it's nest for several weeks. [laughs] On top of it, the combination of my basil plant, that I tend to think about and care about more than myself, and my godson Malachi, who is truly adorable and a pleasure to be around, have finally stirred up my mature instincts to have second thoughts about never being a father. [laughs] like my own father, I still never want to be in charge of raising a child, and I still fear having a child like myself, but...the idea of children is no longer bitter to the taste. Of course, I would never dream of punishing my child by not having at least a second for him or her to play with growing up, the idea of which DOES still frighten me in significant ways. [pauses for a moment in thought] But the other thing about this moment is that...I have no desire to put it in poetic language. There is nothing in my head that I want to write about, and anyone who writes knows how much of a burden it is to have a need to write constantly, how much easier it is to breathe and hold up your head when that need is lifted for a day or even an hour. I suppose you might say that I am getting it out by writing in this journal, but that's just it, this is...oh, it feels so natural to be writing this, like peeing or something. When I'm done, I won't have to go again for hours, and I feel no more pressure. [smiles] it's like falling. Anyway, I feel more relaxed than I have been in a long time. but I think I lied about getting more job hunting done tonight. I'm starving, so I need to get a snack, and I'm yawning so much I can't see the screen half the time. [grins and shrugs] So I think I'm gonna get to bed. It was good talking to you, whoever you are. Sleep well.

I just signed up for a website, and it is at www.ripway.com. It's my golem page, from bio sci-fi that I never got to publish. In your face, Slonz!

home.ripway.com/2004-6/126883/Folder%20Name/index.html

So, I changed my blog. Mainly because the old picture I was using got, um, well, the link stopped working and I didn't care to go and try and make it work. [grins] But go to www.villagephotos.com for a free account to upload pictures. You can only upload 25 with the free account, and there's a size limit, but I bet you don't need more than 25, and if your picture is too big, it's probably a bitmap. Resave it as a jpeg and it should be ok.

So I fixed my Archives. They now have a seperate heading, below links. Anyway, I had a weird dream this morning. I was reading my book until 7am to finish it. I woke up the first time around 11:45, I think. I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 1:52, and mom asked me from the other room if I was gonna get up before 2. I replied yes, but went back to sleep. I woke up again at 2:34 and thought I ought to get up, but then I started having this really good dream, so I went back to sleep, but five minutes later at a little after 2:40 mom woke me up asking about some newspaper article, where she should put it so that I'd read it. I had her take a box and set it on top of another box (that is becoming a piece of furniture) in my room. Anyway, I turned over and went back to sleep, and when I woke up, it was 1:15 again. I felt like I was awake when I was looking at the clock, but I was too tired to get up. Not one of those paralyzed states or anything, just, I don't know. I thought I was awake, and I don't often have dreams like that. So now I'm awake blah blah blah and it's just going on 2. I'm hungry. I think I'll go scrounge for breakfast now. I had a handful of almonds from the box mom left on the counter, but really, nuts are better IN something, though I love them dearly, they could not be a full meal.

So Grace asked me to tell her a story last night. On aim. This is the exact conversation, from that point, until the end. Well, a little more, since it sets up the story. Sorry it's so long. [grins] and straight off the top of my head.

Wolf in Ohio: Anyway, a story
Wolf in Ohio: let's see.
Wolf in Ohio: There was once a housecat
Wolf in Ohio: he wasn't very brave or strong, but he tried to be kindly
Wolf in Ohio: sometimes he was a klutz though
Wolf in Ohio: One day he was roaming the huge backyard when he stumbled upon a baby possum, just lying on the ground making sad noises.
Wolf in Ohio: He didn't know what to so, so he moved closer and sniffed at the baby possum.
Wolf in Ohio: He moved closer and examined the baby possum.
Wolf in Ohio: He moved even closer and batted a paw at the baby possum.
Wolf in Ohio: The baby possum at this point leapt up and let out a screech.
Wolf in Ohio: Suddenly, a momma possum bigger than the cat came out of the bushes and rushed him, teeth bared.
Wolf in Ohio: She chased the cat all the way to the house.
CheezGoddess711: is this a true story?
Wolf in Ohio: (no)
Wolf in Ohio: Suddenly, a big person came out of the house and, seeing the possum, grabbed an empty bucket and plopped it down over the poor mamma possum's head.
Wolf in Ohio: She wailed and screeched, but the big person wouldn't let her out
Wolf in Ohio: She thrashed and crashed against the bucket, but the big person just sat on it and called for help from other big people inside.
Wolf in Ohio: The cat sat and watched as the big people lifted the bucket just enough to scoop the mamma possum into a big bag, which they put in the cat carrying box.
Wolf in Ohio: Nobody but the cat knew that there were baby possums
Wolf in Ohio: and he couldn't talk!
Wolf in Ohio: The big people took him back inside with them and closed the door.
Wolf in Ohio: He whined and whined, but they wouldn't let him out. The momma possum looked dead inside the carrying case
Wolf in Ohio: but the big people weren't fooled. They called a man in a white truck to come and take the possum far away.
Wolf in Ohio: They were going to take the possum across the great river and to the woods, where she could live without attacking poor housecats.
Wolf in Ohio: The cat became worried.
Wolf in Ohio: What would happen to the baby possums if their mother was gone far away?
Wolf in Ohio: So the cat meowed and meowed at the back door, but it was no good. No one would open it for him.
Wolf in Ohio: He scratched and scratched, but no one would open the door.
Wolf in Ohio: Finally, the man in the white truck came and took away the momma possum
Wolf in Ohio: The cat let out a cry and followed him to the door, but the man wouldn't let him out the door.
Wolf in Ohio: The cat didn't know what to do.
Wolf in Ohio: Several hours later, after dinner, when it was almost dark, the cat meowed at the backdoor again.
Wolf in Ohio: This time, the big people opened it for him, and he went outside.
Wolf in Ohio: He went straight over to the baby possums
Wolf in Ohio: There were really three of them, not just one, and they looked very scared.
Wolf in Ohio: well, the housecat wasn't very brave or strong, but he knew he had to do something.
Wolf in Ohio: So he started making such a noise that all the cats nearby came to see what was the matter.
Wolf in Ohio: As soon as they got near, they saw the baby possums.
CheezGoddess711: wont they eat them?
Wolf in Ohio: Some wanted to eat them, but the cat wouldn't let them
Wolf in Ohio: [winks]
Wolf in Ohio: Some thought possums were disgusting, and didn't want anything to do with them.
Wolf in Ohio: Others looked around fearfully for the momma possum
Wolf in Ohio: knowing how viscious they can be when their babies are in trouble
Wolf in Ohio: The housecat had to explain to those who would listen that the momma was taken away by the man in the white truck, and the babies had to be saved.
Wolf in Ohio: One big orange cat thought that if the momma was gone, then she wouldn't be there to stop him from eating the babies.
Wolf in Ohio: Well, the housecat wasn't very strong or brave, but he sat right down on top of the baby possums so the big cat couldn't get them.
Wolf in Ohio: the big orange cat growled, but the housecat wouldn't budge, and there were more cats who wanted to help the babies than eat them, so the mean cats had to leave.
CheezGoddess711: also, no one wants to eat anything with cat ass all over it
Wolf in Ohio: [grins]
Wolf in Ohio: well, they're cats
Wolf in Ohio: anyway, so the cats agreed that they would pass the word that very night to try and find out where the man in the white truck went.
Wolf in Ohio: all across town, the cats' cries went out, and some had shoes thrown at them
Wolf in Ohio: But others recieved replies that no truck had been seen.
Wolf in Ohio: Until when the housecat thought that no one would ever find the man with the white truck
Wolf in Ohio: someone had seen him!
CheezGoddess711: yay
Wolf in Ohio: A small white cat said that he lived next door to the man with the white truck, and he had to be careful at all times
Wolf in Ohio: because the man in the white truck loved nothing more than to catch little cats that were too far from home and put them in his truck and take them away.
Wolf in Ohio: they were never seen from again
Wolf in Ohio: At this, the little housecat grew very afraid, and he would have just gone inside then and stayed inside for fear of the man in the white truck,
Wolf in Ohio: but then, as he started to move, one of the baby possums bit him on the behind
Wolf in Ohio: he jumped up and turned around and saw the baby only bit him because it was hungry and had no momma to feed it.
Wolf in Ohio: (plus it didn't like having had to put up with cat ass for so long)
CheezGoddess711: heehee
Wolf in Ohio: And the housecat thought that however scary the man in the white truck must be to him, the baby possums had even more to fear
Wolf in Ohio: the housecat was used to never missing a meal, and so the idea of starving little possums was very heartbreaking to him.
Wolf in Ohio: He decided then at there that, after having another snack, he would set forth with the three possums himself to help them find their mother and get away from the man with the white truck.
Wolf in Ohio: he ran to the house and begged to be let in
Wolf in Ohio: the big people opened the door, and he ran and gobbled food and five minutes later was whining at the door again.
Wolf in Ohio: They finally came and opened it again, shaking their heads in exasperation
Wolf in Ohio: But the big orange cat was over near the baby possums!
Wolf in Ohio: The housecat ran over to see that a grey cat from a few doors down was staring down the big orange cat, and that the babies were safe
Wolf in Ohio: He was very happy. Suddenly, the orange cat leapt upon the grey cat and pinned it to the ground.
Wolf in Ohio: As they began to fight, the housecat was too scared to join in.
CheezGoddess711: oh no
Wolf in Ohio: So instead, he grabbed up all three baby possums the way he would carry a kitten and ran for the gate to let him out of the yard.
Wolf in Ohio: The big orange cat saw his dinner escaping and let out a loud growl.
Wolf in Ohio: But the grey cat had friends, and they, hearing the sounds of fighting, came over the fence and drove off the orange cat.
Wolf in Ohio: The housecat hid in the corner, waiting for the other cats to come and eat the possums
Wolf in Ohio: but the grey cat and his friends came over
Wolf in Ohio: they had always hated the big orange cat for thinking he was the king of the town
Wolf in Ohio: so they were going to help the little housecat just to spite the big orange cat.
Wolf in Ohio: The housecat was overjoyed
CheezGoddess711: hooray!
Wolf in Ohio: So he set forth with the grey cats, after they helped open the gate for him
Wolf in Ohio: He was a housecat, and didn't know how to climb a fence.
Wolf in Ohio: the grey cats laughed at him, but he just hung his head because he knew he was helping the possums, even if he was only a housecat
Wolf in Ohio: He marched over and picked one up and began carrying it out the fence, and two other cats picked up the other two possums, and off they went.
Wolf in Ohio: The grey cat and a few others ran ahead and behind to keep an eye out for the orange cat or for the man in the white truck, but no sign of either was to be found.
Wolf in Ohio: So they went to the little white cat that knew of the man with the white truck.
Wolf in Ohio: He told them that he didn't know where the man went, just where he lived.
Wolf in Ohio: This frightened them all, but they knew that somehow they could find the momma possum.
Wolf in Ohio: They went to the house of the man with the white truck, and he was at home, asleep.
Wolf in Ohio: They looked at the truck, and they looked through his windows, but no mamma possum could they see.
Wolf in Ohio: They didn't know what to do
Wolf in Ohio: So they housecat sat down and cried.
Wolf in Ohio: Suddenly, this gave the grey cat an idea.
Wolf in Ohio: He said that if one of them volunteered to be captured by the man in the white truck, then the rest could follow him to the place where he got rid of animals.
Wolf in Ohio: All of the cats bowed down a little at that, frightened of the idea.
Wolf in Ohio: the housecat wasn't very brave or strong, and so he quivered with fear at the idea of the man with the white truck taking him away.
Wolf in Ohio: But then he looked at the baby possums, so hungry and alone, and he didn't want to be hungry and alone like that, ever.
Wolf in Ohio: so just as the grey cat was saying that he would go, because it would be a grand adventure, the little housecat spoke up and said he would go.
Wolf in Ohio: Everyone looked at him in amazement
CheezGoddess711: so brave
Wolf in Ohio: He shook with fear, but he had a full belly of food to bolster him, and he said that he was sure that they would rescue him, so he'd be ok in the end.
Wolf in Ohio: the grey cat and his friends all felt bad for laughing at the little housecat
Wolf in Ohio: but the grey cat said to him that they might not get there in time, and he might not be able to be rescued.
Wolf in Ohio: It had to be a cat that might be able to fight his way away that should go.
Wolf in Ohio: The housecat said that he couldn't help in the fight because he didn't know how to fight, so he might as well be the one to be in danger.
Wolf in Ohio: Besides, he couldn't keep up with the truck
Wolf in Ohio: he was slow because of so much food and not enough exercise
Wolf in Ohio: he would lose the truck, and then where would he be? He'd just be a loser again.
Wolf in Ohio: Well, the grey cat might or might not have talked him out of it, but he didn't get a chance, because at that moment, the man with the white truck came running out of his house with a big bag determined to catch at least one of the cats that was making noise and keeping him awake.
Wolf in Ohio: Well, the grey cat was thoughtful enough to grab all three of the little possums and escape with them. The other cats ran away, but slowest of all was the little housecat, not very brave or strong
Wolf in Ohio: and the man with the white truck caught him and put him in a bag and put him in the back of the truck.
Wolf in Ohio: Well, the little cat shook for fear of his life as the man got into the truck and made it roar to life.
Wolf in Ohio: He was angry at this little cat.
Wolf in Ohio: He was angry at all cats.
Wolf in Ohio: You see, the man with the white truck had a cat when he was a little boy.
Wolf in Ohio: He loved the cat, but then one day, as he was playing with the cat, it bit him hard enough to break the skin and make him bleed.
Wolf in Ohio: He cried as his cat ran away, and the scratches from that cat made the little boy very sick.
Wolf in Ohio: He almost died from the infection from that scratch, because the cat was very sick, and no one knew it.
Wolf in Ohio: Well, a year later when he had finally recovered and was playing in the woods when he saw his little cat stalking a mouse.
Wolf in Ohio: He called to the cat, who remembered him. The cat came over but hissed at him when he tried to pick it up.
Wolf in Ohio: He was so furious at the cat for making him so sick and running away that he took that cat in his two hands and he put the cat under the water of the river and drowned it.
Wolf in Ohio: He determined that he would grow up to be the person that everyone called to get rid of animals.
CheezGoddess711: whoa
Wolf in Ohio: and if he ever got the chance, he would get rid of the animals himself before they could get sick and kill any other little boys
Wolf in Ohio: He was also angry that the day before, he had taken a possum to the river to drown it, but it bit his hand hard enough to get through the glove, and it got away.
Wolf in Ohio: He was determined to kill this cat for the sake of the possum that bit him and his own cat that caused him so much misery.
Wolf in Ohio: As he drove away, he was so angry at being woken up in the middle of the night that he didn't even notice a large number of cats following his white truck down the streets to the river.
Wolf in Ohio: As he parked and got out of the truck, he was surprised that the cat in the bag wasn't making more noise.
Wolf in Ohio: Usually cats made lots of noise when they were put in bags.
Wolf in Ohio: Maybe this cat was sick, too
Wolf in Ohio: He was worried enough that he went back to the cab of his truck to get thicker gloves and a small facemask.
Wolf in Ohio: as he was doing so, the grey cat caught up with them and with a few swipes of his claws freed the housecat from the bag.
Wolf in Ohio: They were just making their escape when the man came around the truck
Wolf in Ohio: He let out a yell and began to chase them around. He was gaining on the two when out of nowhere, an orange cat came leaping into the grey cat, knocking him down and knocking something out of his mouth.
Wolf in Ohio: It was the baby possums!
Wolf in Ohio: The man was excited and immediately scooped up the grey cat, who yowled but couldn't get free.
Wolf in Ohio: The orange cat leaped toward the baby possums with his jaws open wide!
Wolf in Ohio: the housecat huddled down in the dark, too scared by both the man with the white truck and the big orange cat to go anywhere.
Wolf in Ohio: suddenly, the mamma possum, hearing the cries of her babies, leapt and big the orange cat right on his ear, biting the tip clean off.
CheezGoddess711: YAY!
Wolf in Ohio: The big orange cat was furious at being denied his dinner again, and he and the mamma possum began to fight.
Wolf in Ohio: In the mean time, the man with the white truck was determined to drown the grey cat before he tried any of the others, because he knew how much of a trouble maker it was just by looking in its eyes.
CheezGoddess711: this is a long story
Wolf in Ohio: sorry
Wolf in Ohio: Just as he got to the water's edge, something jumped on his back and knocked him into the water.
Wolf in Ohio: It was the little housecat!
Wolf in Ohio: The man let the grey cat go, and the two of them ran away!
Wolf in Ohio: Well, the man was angry, so he got up, but the only thing he could see was the possum and the big orange cat fighting.
Wolf in Ohio: He jumped up and ran to his truck and got a big bag that no claws would rip open and ran toward the two combattants.
Wolf in Ohio: The mamma possum, seeing the danger, quickly left the fight, scooping up her babies and disappearing into the bushes. The big orange cat got a last swipe at the mamma possum and made her tail bleed, but because he didn't run, he was a second too slow, and the man with the white truck caught him.
Wolf in Ohio: The little housecat and the grey cat met all their friends, who had not been able to run as fast, and they went home happy.
Wolf in Ohio: The little housecat had new friends, and he knew that the mamma possum safely had her babies again.
Wolf in Ohio: And they were not troubled by the orange cat ever again.
CheezGoddess711: wow
Wolf in Ohio: The man with the white truck caught a cold because of falling in the water, and he caught a lung disease, and couldn't run anymore
CheezGoddess711: um... yeah, wow
Wolf in Ohio: so no more cats had ever to fear from the man with the white truck, thanks to the little housecat that learned to be brave.
Wolf in Ohio: the end.
CheezGoddess711: wow
Wolf in Ohio: good story?
CheezGoddess711: are you going to save this story or should I?
CheezGoddess711: I liked it
Wolf in Ohio: [grins] you can save it, if you'd like. I'll save a copy too
CheezGoddess711: at first I thought you were just telling me a story about your cat getting chased by an angry possum
Wolf in Ohio: I could put it on my blog
CheezGoddess711: yeah
CheezGoddess711: put it on your blog
Wolf in Ohio: no, I was just inspired by the possum
CheezGoddess711: right now, I just want to go to sleep
CheezGoddess711: what possum?
Wolf in Ohio: last night, as I got home, there was a possum on our porch.
Wolf in Ohio: charles thought it was a cat, then a rat, then a possum. I thought it was a rat, then a cat, then had no idea till he told me.
Wolf in Ohio: I chased it into the bushes and stared it down for a little while, but charles warned me that they're viscious when cornered, and while I was talking to him, it ran away.
Wolf in Ohio: I warned mom because I didn't want silver to find it and get attacked or anything
CheezGoddess711: ah cool
Wolf in Ohio: yup