Well, I got off work a little early today, because Michelle is being a pain and won't let us have 3 people there when one of them is the new guy in training. [sighs] Anyway, I came home for a while and wasted time before going out to have the half-flat tire fixed and the oil changed. I am now considering going and hanging out at a friend's house and watching a movie or something. Don't know, I might nap. I'm quite tired. Anyway, a quote from said friend's aim away message:

"Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, to understand a man,
Love, to forgive him, and
Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength
I'll just beat him to death."

I thought it was funny, and so I thought I'd share. Laters, blogger.

So, this is the mood I'm in:

I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
I'm just out to find,
the better part of me.

I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane,
I'm more than some, pretty face beside a train,
and it's not easy, to be me.

I wish that I could cry,
fall upon my knees,
find a way to lie,
'bout a home i'll never see.

It may sound absurd,
but don't be naive,
even heroes have, the right to bleed,
I may be disturbed, but won't you conceed,
even heroes have, the right to dream,
and it's not easy, to be me.

Up, up and away, away from me,
well it's alright,
you can all sleep sound tonight,
I'm not crazy, or anything.

I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
men weren't meant to ride,
with clouds between their knees.

I'm only a man, in a silly red sheet,
digging for kryptonite, on this one way street.
Only a man, in a funny red sheet,
looking for special things, inside of me
inside of meeeeeeeee
inside of meeeeee
inside of meeeeeeeee
inside of meeeeee

I'm only a man, in a funny red sheet,
I'm only a man, looking for a dream,
I'm only a man, in a funny red sheet,
and its not easy....
oooo
ooo
ooooo
It's not easy, to be, meee......

(Superman, by Five for Fighting, by the way)

I've been down because I want to be superman. Not in the sense most people do, being invincible, powers of flight, super strength and vision, etc. No, I want people to treat me as the guy who can fix the problem, and my have the ability to fix the problem, whatever the problem may be. And you know what? I'm never going to be that. I'm never going to have the ability to solve almost all problems, much less be recognized as someone who wants to help solve problems. And that makes me sad. No, I mean, seriously sad. Like crying sad, or crying inside sad, since I haven't managed to cry recently and it sucks. But, while spending my time drowning my sorrows with alcohol and music and dancing and socializing, I was talking to Cassandra and realized that I'm a champion of something that no one will ever think of. I'm the champion of dreams. Not the guy who can help you make them come true. No, I'm the guy who helps you to dream, helps remind you that dreams are good, and possible, and necessary. I'm the guy that helps remind you that what you see around you right now, isn't all there is, isn't what has to be, isn't what will be. I help remind you that innocence isn't dead, or outdated, or even naive. I help remind you of the value and attraction of childishness, of simple joys and laughs. I help remind you that the world has some good in it. I don't claim to be the superman of that department, but I do know that I'm one of few who actively pursues such a goal. I don't always succeed, but I don't always fail. I'm not always happy with myself, but I can almost always be proud. I can't convince you of the importance of what I do, nor even defend my life in terms of it, but it's who I am, and it's something I can hold on to, and that's what matters to me. I need sleep now, blogger. [smiles] Goodnight.

So, I'm depressed. Just to get that out of the way, you know, so you'll know that the tone of my words is a little bitter and a little angry and a little sad, you know, depressed. Why do I have to be who I am? I mean, really, I have so many Good influences in my life that would help me along the path of assholishness. And what do I do? Remain mostly aloof, spurning their Wise teachings in favor of being a goody goody, caring about others, etc. I hate it; it's the reason I'm fucking depressed right now. I go out, I have a good time at tango, Dina even showed up and was, well, fun isn't the right word, but entertaining would work I suppose. And one of the people who I would Like to be friends with (most people I interact with, even the ones that I might know their life story, are merely acquaintences), and with whom I was dancing, suddenly stopped smiling, stopped looking at me, in general stopped having fun. I tried to engage her in conversation, mild jokes; I got nothing. At the end of the song, she had to go to the bathroom. "Oh," I tell myself, "that was it." No, it wasn't, she still was sitting without smiling the rest of the evening (as long as I was there, anyway). I asked if she was ok, of course she's good, fine, great. She's always sarcastic. What do I know? Nothing! I know nothing! and because I'm the type who freakin' cares, I want to know what the matter is, so I can either help or sympathize or at least not make it worse. And what does she do, like a typical girl? She keeps it to herself, blank-faces me, stops talking, becomes not even someone else just a no one, nothing. It drives me insane. I wonder if it's my fault. Amy says that when she stops smiling, it's usually because she's tired, or her feet hurt, not because of anything the guy did. But there are still those big questions hanging in the air over my head, "Did I do something? Was her night ruined because of me? Was there something I could have done and didn't?" And will I know? Not for a week, if then! Will I forget about it? Knowing me, not bloody likely! [sighs and stamps his feet] Why can't people just talk about things? It's not like she's important in my life. It's not like we're friends (I honestly barely know anything about her beyond her name). I just freakin' care, more than I need to and more than I ought to, and it bothers me intensely that people can't recognize that and try to make little concessions like assuring me I'm not doing anything wrong and no I can't do anything to help. I mean, last night, I could tell someone wasn't great, and I asked, and she said she didn't want to talk about it, so I said ok, and we had fun dancing, and I think I took her mind off it a little. And that was good. And this now sucks. And I shouldn't let it bother me, but I do. And it's late, and my sleep cycle is off, so I'm more prone to pissiness, and I don't know, blogger. I just want things to make sense. I'm a guy, just a stupid guy. I don't understand things all the time. It might be my fault, and I worry that it might be my fault, and then when I finally realize it's not my fault, that there's no possible way it could have been my fault, then I'm angry because I spent so much time worrying and feeling guilty about something that I should never have had to worry about in the first place, but someone just was too self-centered to realize I needed to be told before or during and not way way after. I'm tired, blogger. I'll talk to you laters. Hopefully I'll feel better.
David

So, two things, right now: 1) www.girlbomb.com is awesome. If you like reading blogs, and you like witty people, then this is the site for you. She is amazingly fun to read sometimes. Go back in the archives for more fun-ness. 2) Amy, with whom I take tango lessons, is super awesome. some people may think funny things because she's my little brother's age, but seriously, she's like the little sister I would have liked to have, if I had had a little sister. And while she has an older brother, I'm like another older brother to her. It's remarkably refreshing to hang out with her, compared to my other friends, with whom, don't get me wrong, they are fun to hang out with, it's a very different dynamic. (yes, that was the correct usage of commas, unless you call the "it should have been two sentences" rule). With most of my friends, it's a lot of joking and/or flirting, some posturing and some blowing hot air and some laughing about it all. With Amy it's just talking, about people or music, telling stories, and dancing. [sighs] I miss dancing with my girlfriend. Every dance is a conversation in which you are talking with body language, and despite that, there is a certain...feeling while dancing that you can't do with someone that you're not either dating, courting, or have some sort of romantic relationship with. I mean, being comfortable with your body, and being comfortable to bring your body into contact with another person's body in dance, are something entirely different than taking loving touches and glances and putting them into a form that changes the entire set of rules of what means what. I don't know, I talk too much sometimes. I miss dancing with Grace. I'm going to watch anime now.

So, I just wrote a poem. "Uh," you say, "Then where is it?" Why, blogger, must you ask? I do not post my essays or stories or poems here. I got a Livejournal site for that! I post my thoughts and moods and random blathers here (interspersed with things like song lyrics that I did not write). You can go to the site below to read my poem. Click the link! the poem is good! I promise! (unless you suck)

http://www.livejournal.com/users/seventh_guest/

(in case I'm super stupid and that wasn't a link, you can copy http://www.livejournal.com/users/seventh_guest/ into your webbrowser. And add it to your favorites. heh.

so, a question, if you will: Which is better, to be unreasonably happy, or to be unseasonably happy? Because right now I am happy, and I'm not sure quite why I'm as happy as I am, because there seems to be no reason to be quite so happy, and it's not a time of week or night where I am this happy. I'm not happy that the cat seems to think in front of the keyboard (not on my lap, or on the keyboard) is the best place to lay down, but there he is. Ah ha! a solution! I bypassed the cat; he can have the desk, for now the keyboard has the enviable position in my lap. Heh. Anyway, I'm a little sleepy, though I slept like 9 hours yesterday, so I'm headed to bed. Happily. Well, not happily headed to bed, as I think sleep is a plague put upon us to prevent the human race from getting into more trouble than it could possibly handle. [grins] I'm sure I could try handling it, if I didn't need to sleep. And only half the time, I promise! I'd get lots of work and reading done, not just games and dancing and trouble! [sighs] But, unfortunately, blogger, you do not have the power to make it so I can not sleep and still stay sane. If I was ever sane, but you know what I mean. I would actually go crazy crazy, not just regular crazy. p.s. I am the book-hookup-guy, in case you need something. I'm not quite sure why bookstores didn't recognize Virgil's Aeneid, but my friend Amy couldn't find a copy anywhere and needs to read it by wednesday, and of course I had a copy! And you friends who are borrowing books: don't lose them. I love my books! (I love my girlfriend more, but I really really love my books. really.) stupid cat is waving his tail in front of the keyboard, and then gets all huffy that it gets under my fingers as I'm typing. [sighs] Ok, sleep time. Good night, blogger. (heh! and not even a little bit of moody introspection! it's ok, you probably won't get the chance to start missing it. I'm a big idiot like that)

Loreena McKennitt
Dante's Prayer

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Chorus
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me


Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Chorus

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Chorus

Please remember me xN

So today, one of my coworkers named Brandy discovered something very important. She does not like snow peas in her eye. I already knew that. I went to a fancy school and got a good education so I would know exactly what I want and don't want in my eye. I learned that most vegetables do nothing whatsoever for your eyes. However, your eyes can make good use of carrots. I'm not sure how you're supposed to see better with a carrot in your eye, but biology textbooks never lie. Maybe it forces out the plank in your eye, like peanut butter removing chewing gum from the hair. But I don't like carrots with peanut butter. I like carrots with mustard, and celery with peanut butter. I will test out these combinations and get back to you blogger. As I'm sure you would like your eye-vegetable and hair-sauce to taste good together as well. Unless of course you like carrots with peanut butter. Then you're a freak. You might very well like snow peas in the eye, and soy sauce in the hair. But the biology textbook says that you're wrong. Just so you know.

ok, I got time to write out all that's happened to Grace, so I'll just copy and paste it here. hope I didn't say anything embarassing [laughs]. Yah, it's early. I'm up right now because, well, I fell asleep while reading yesterday at like 7. I woke up a couple times during the night, and could have gotten up at 4:30 instead of 6 but figured I'd get a little more sleep. ]. I have a meeting with church people right after work today. Oh, speaking of which, I need to read over something, homework if you will, so I have less time to email than I thought. oh well [grins]. Technically, I have 2 hours until I normally leave, but I figured I'd eat breakfast with my parents, since I'm up. we'll see. So, I guess you only really need the shortened version of my week. The long version I'd be writing too long, and since you only put up with it all for my sake, and I did write it once but it was deleted by gmail, I guess the short version will do. Last friday (way back when you left), traffic was terrible and made me and Amy late for dancing, but less late than we expected because the drive went quickly despite the wet roads. Afterwards, I was dropping her at a coffeehouse concert, where she was meeting her brother and brother's friend, both down from A&M. But the band that was playing was black metal (high school band playing black metal!), and the door charge was still $8, even though 6 of the 8 bands had already performed. So, I invited them over to Charles' to watch Constantine. It ended up being me, Amy, brother Jacob, friend whose name I forget, Charles, gf Amber, Matt, then-gf Marsha, and friend Jordan (brought primarily to prevent me being a 5th wheel, which turned out not to be a problem). It was fun, the movie was better than I expected (really, it was mainly the characters were comic book characters, so they were horribly stereotyped, but otherwise it was good plot and cinematography...and cheesy script). Got home at 3 I think. Saturday, had work 8:30am to 11:30pm. The wedding receptions should have started at 7:45, but no one showed till 8:45, bride and groom not till 9:20. Matt was off at 9, I was off at 10...he was still there when I left. He had a crisis involving wanting to get back together with his ex Michelle, and she canceled plans with him for some guy that she's sort of seeing. This has been a problem all week, and Matt isn't eating much because of the depression associated with it. anyway, I then drove straight to San Antonio. Drew's plans changed, he didn't go to Austin, and he didn't meet me to give him a ride, but it worked out. I got there at 2:30, Irina had only gotten back from hanging out with family at 2am anyway. Crashed on pre-set blanket bed. Woke at 7:30 to get ready for the ceremony. It was long and kinda boring, but important to Irina because of all the crap she had gone through to get there. Afterward hung out with "the group": Her parents, her cousin and fiance, her brother, her roommate Haley, and her roommate's parents, her and I. Anyway, eventually Haley and parents went to her room, and I went to read Harry Potter while the group starting speaking in Russian (much easier for her parents). They all finally left, Irina and Haley and I had dinner of soup and salad (Haley is Vegan, Irina is effectively Veggie because she doesn't usually choose meat), then Irina and I went to see Wedding Crashers. Very funny movie, though very adult. I wouldn't recommend for your younger sisters. Got back at 9:30, as we had planned, but Irina got called by bf in Iraq, so I hung out with Haley, lost track of time talking and waiting, didn't get out till 11. Scary drive home, falling asleep the whole way. Made the 3 hour drive take 4 because of breaks for rest. Only went off the road twice, once to left in median, no one around, once autopilot took an exit ramp but then drifted across the yellow triangle between it and highway, woke up between early enough to easily dodge the bridge cement rail. And, as you see, I am not dead [smiles]. work Monday at 8:30, with Charles I believe. Tired as crap. Got home and had to edit some more ad-copy before I could go to bed. Finished Harry Potter and War of the Worlds. WotW disappointed me…the ending was dragged out much longer than it needed to be “making the point”. Harry Potter was very good. We can discuss it if you want [grins]. Sirius is going to turn out to be a goodguy. It’s so obvious that he did the dastardly deed because he was impelled to do so or instantly die. This way he’s in with the badguys and will be able to help Harry in the end fight (taking out non-Voldemorte death eaters or something). We’ll see. Tuesday worked again, can’t remember what I did in the evening, but I know I had made plans to do something. Maybe. Wednesday no work, slept in, then dance class, had really good chicken dish at Friday’s with Drew. Charles came too, but because he’s a dork and didn’t want to go in if we weren’t there, he waited for my call…in the car…for an hour. [rolls his eyes] so finally at 9 he called to see if we were there (dance class started at 8, he got there at 8, we got there at 8:15, I forgot to call). [laughs] anyway, we also met and hung out with a girl named (sorry) cassie. She was very flirtatious, and she and Charles got borderline inappropriate with their joking. Ok, no, it was actually over the line, but the mood of the evening was such that it wasn’t. It was weird, kinda, since it’s also the first time Drew and Charles have hung out together in a long long time. We didn’t leave till 12:30, with the intention of all meeting again this week (which may include Matt and Sarah, drew’s sister). Thursday, I had to take Ian to a friend’s house, then job fair 10-noon, then work noon to 3:30, then pick up glasses I left at Midnight Rodeo, then pick up Ian, then an hour at home (including dinner) before leaving for a meeting at Crossroads an hour early (at 8). Amy couldn’t come because she was just leaving Thurs afternoon for a cousin’s wedding in Florida. So I was able to stay out late, and several of us stayed till 1. It was fun, met someone new named Vanessa (easy because she’s friends with another tango person named Vanessa). She’s only traveling through though, but should be cool to hang out with when she’s back occasionally. Friday no work, then no afternoon plan, no Amy, and no teachers anyway, so no dance lesson, but I had already made plans to meet someone in Rice village to pick up money for accidentally being double charged at the dance workshop Saturday 2 weeks ago. didn’t want to reschedule because we’d already done schedule tag. I met a guy who saw me wearing my English shirt and asked if I’d edit his story for him [laughs]. Of course I said yes. Then I was depressed and wanted to hang out with someone, but Drew didn’t need extra help moving because the storage unit closed at 9:30, and no one else wanted to go out. [sighs] So I went home and read till 2:30ish. Saturday I had work, got off exactly on time (4) and went home for dinner and cleaning up and wearing black striped shirt with red tie and coat to tango piano thing. Spent $70: $50 for 5 tickets, parents, Ian and gf and me, and $20 for Ian’s dinner and a cd he bought. Concert was excellent, and well attended…we had to add 30 chairs, and we sold all but 4 of the pianist’s cds. The second half was a milonga…social dance…but because I was working I only got about 7 dances. [sighs and shrugs] After, since it ended at 11, several of us went out to Salento’s, the place they dance on Wednesdays, then some left and 6 of us walked around looking for food but nothing was really open, so we went back, Richard left, and it was Martin (Mar-teen, the president of Tango Houston, a young guy who I had so far not made friends with), Vanessa, Vanessa, and their friend from school Angela. I was the only one of the 5 who hadn’t attended University of St. Thomas, a school in Houston. We went to a Mexican restaurant and got a pitcher of strawberry margarita. It was pretty good, and at last call when we had to finish it, I had to finish a couple of the girl’s glasses too, because they couldn’t drink that quickly. I was still good to go, though, because of dinner earlier at Salento’s and having drunk my whole glass of water. Water is important when drinking! Anyway, the new Vanessa apparently can fold up her tongue the way I do. Drew looked it up…1 in 200 million or something. Martin took a picture of us both doing it, weird picture but whatever. It’s documented proof, right? So the next person I meet who can do it, the odds are 1 in 400 million [laughs] Sunday I got to sleep in, because family didn’t want to wake up early for church, and I got home at 3 anyway. I woke up at 1, then was going to help Drew move but discovered on the calendar I had a meeting for Lifeteen at 2…it turned out to be 3, so I helped set up. We got our groups for planning LifeNights, or the special events after church on Lifeteen nights. That lasted till church, out of church at 7:15, then straight over to Drew’s to help him move. His dad was helping as well, and we got the final load to storage, then packed up everything and moved his stuff to his dad’s apartment, where he will be living for about a month until he finds an apartment to move into himself. The area he works for wastewater was moved, so now he has the west side of Houston, almost exclusively, and so he’s moving further out here. It gets him closer to work, closer to his dad (who is sick), closer to me, and closer to dance class. Anyway, I didn’t get home from that till 3ish. Then work this morning, and then playing golf with Matt (he’s still depressed), then getting home and falling asleep [laughs]. Blah blah, mom is up and making breakfast now, and I ought to get ready for the day (I have work every day this week, by the way, except my weekend is free, I think). And I’m done writing for now. If you want more details on anything, just ask. I should be able to drudge more details from my memory [grins]. laters, blogger

So life is still busy, and always changing. I now have my group for LifeTeen, which starts Aug 21st. And Drew is moving closer, so I won't have to drive as far to pick him up for dancing, or he might even ride his bike (motorcycle, dummy!) (he doesn't have a car, just the bike and the not-for-social-events work truck). I helped him move, so I'm very tired. I'm feeling good, though. It's been a long and strange week. Well, it's always pretty long and somewhat strange, but it's been one crazy adventure after another it seems. I'm having trouble reacting to them the way they ought to be treated, because of residual (or expectant) reactions to other things. But I do know two things: I am not going to be stupid, for any reason and in any situation, and I am starting to move my world, make it turn; if you will, the ball is in motion. I need sleep, blogger. Not stupid. World turning. Love. Grace.
me