Ah tango crowd, you are exactly what I expect of you. Amy had football, so I went alone (with reservations...I wasn't sure that I wasn't going to miss the book I put down to go). I had an interesting conversation with Woody and Derek about the percentage of indian blood in the Buenes Aires population...interesting until they argued the same point for the third time, neither putting it in terms the other could understand. Stefan from swing dance ended up saving me. He showed up, we chatted for a sec, then we went walking and talking around the Rice U shopping center for what may or may not have been an hour. It was very nice. People also started arriving about 5 minutes after we arrived. Amy would have had fun; Ina was the only girl until 10:15, and only 2 others arrived before 10:45. However, I feel almost guilty to admit it, I'm very glad she wasn't there for several reasons. 1) I would have felt bad walking and talking with stefan and ditching her for an hour, and while we could have sat outside to talk for an hour, I enjoyed the exercise of the walk. 2) Stefan and I shared a half bottle of bourdeau, i.e. we each had a full glass. It wasn't amazingly good, but I wasn't in the mood for my usual chai with almond flavor added, and that was a good compromise. 3) if Amy had been there, I would have left at 11:30ish. Because she was not, I was able to stay until the party ended...at 3. It was unexpected, as it usually is when an establishment closes no later than 1, but you keep the party going for an extra two hours, and they (meaning he, Dima) are kind enough to keep it open for you. I only danced 3 songs, I believe. Two were with a russian woman; her man (don't know relationship, but he was escorting 3 women, one of whom left early) asked stefan and I if we would ask her to dance, because she wasn't feeling great and didn't know how to dance more than a couple-lessons worth. Stefan, being new to tango, let me have that pleasure. And then later, after the russian pop songs had played, and we had worked through a little salsa, a swing came on and Stefan showed his colors, enough that they played more swings, and everyone (including I, who danced with Vanessa) tried our hand at swing. Rex was there, and he (of course) entertained for the last hour, despite heineken having stolen his ability to remember the lyrics to an entire song. And, Stefan and Susana (the host of the last party that went this late, at the Belmar a while back, who is very cute and teaches dance, having come from a dancer family) hit it off very strongly. The problem: she's 35, and he's 23, so she is very hesitant about giving him a chance. I know it's hard, but age really isn't the problem. It's that the things you want tend to be associated with a particular age group; people my age are not good for "financial security" or "emotional maturity", no matter how nice they are, how good they are in bed, how many good qualities they possess. And I have met very few people more than a couple years older than me that have retained their youthful joy or prevented life responsibilities from killing personal enjoyments. [shrugs] Regardless, I hope they do try, because they're both great people. And, I need to go run errands. laters, blogger.

So, I went dancing at midnight rodeo last night, as always. I picked up Corinne, Jake and Kristy, and had to take them home again at the end of the night. However, Jake talked me into Taco Bell, and Erin (a friend of Kat's, whom my brother knows as well) talked me into taking us for pool at Slicks. Which turned out well, because it was Bo's birthday (he's the manager, and he's the husband of one of my coworkers), so we got to say hello to him. [grins] Anyway, dance class was nice, and we did west coast swing, which I'm still not very comfortable with. Heck, why lie, I feel more comfortable with lindy hop, as of last sunday, then I do with west coast. The way they teach it makes it very hard to learn, I'm not sure why. Then the move they taught, I couldn't get it, until someone (one of the last people I danced it with) showed me the correct way. Ooooohhhhh! It's still tough and hard to remember, and I don't have the steps in my brain at all. So for lindy and west coast, I have to treat myself like a noob and practice the basic steps as much as I can, so I can get them into my head. Anyway, all these things were well and good, but the night, in which I had intended to be social and hang out with people instead of being so flighty and crazy, was ruined by a sad turn of events that I don't expect many of you to understand. The first dance I danced after class, I listened for a sec and started in on a two-step. Michelle thought it was funny. Halfway around the floor, I realized it was a Waltz. I mistook a waltz for a two-step. It floored me. I went around the floor once more but I just couldn't connect to the music and finally left the floor without finishing the dance, apologizing to Michelle. So, my determination to spend good time with friends new and old became a desire to avoid all things related to dancing, i.e. everyone and everything there, which of course depressed the crap out of me. Kat is still a saint who seems to stumble upon the right thing to say to cheer a person up, which helped me become social (though not dancing much more), but she left early because of work. Of all the other people there, though, I was surprised that Kristy was the only one to come to my rescue. Michelle bullied me into being social and dancing a little (better dances than the first one), but it didn't really alleviate anything. Cassie tried to cheer me up a little, but I don't blame her for failing; she's at a point in her life that she's trying to not become attached to anyone, live a little self-centeredly, which is fine and good except for those situations in which noticing the needs of someone else and doing what's necessary are the only things that matter (I mean, to that person). [laughs] it doesn't help that apparently people can't tell if I'm smiling or frowning if I'm not showing teeth. [sighs and shrugs] Anyway, Kristy, whom I met only a couple days ago I think, sat and talked for a little while before dragging me back over to be social. Conversation in the car helped me not go back to being depressed (Erin had her own car, and Jake and Corinne were not attached at the lips but wanted to be, so were useless in terms of meaningful or helpful conversation). [sighs] I wish I could do the same for her, but her problems are more rooted in a continuing reality than mine, i.e. her boyfriend is a loser who does not appreciate her and does not respect her interests. I'm totally ok with relationships based and kept up purely on love, but you can't say you love someone and then disparage them, make them feel bad for having interests that are not your own, make them feel angry for having felt guilty for things that are not wrong. The difference between Love and all other feelings that people have for each other is that love is selfless. Loving someone means wanting to put them first, wanting to give them everything, even the things you don't have, wanting to be with them, wanting to learn why they enjoy the things they do. You can love someone with whom you have nothing in common at all, someone you may not even be able to understand. Love is gold. "Love" that is pyrite is lust or friendship or admiration or even just fancy. And the reason that Love by itself is a poor (but not wrong) basis for a relationship is because we do often mistake it for a lesser form, and even when it is real, the other person's love for us might be a lesser form, and even when both of you truly Love each other, you might have differences that make it impossible for you to go through life together. We're human. We make enough mistakes throughout our lives, big and small. We have enough difficult decisions throughout our lives, big and small. We will love many people, both truly and falsely. We will lose and let go many people, friends and family, lovers and antagonists. And life will be over before you know it. "If a dog bites you once, it's the dog's fault. If a dog bites you twice, it's your fault."

So, I updated my MySpace page. Long-time readers of this blog may recognize the background picture [laughs]. Oh yah, it's at www.myspace.com/seventhguest (real hard to guess, right? [laughs] Anyway, if you would like to check it out, you may. I think you only need a myspace account of your own to go through my extra pictures (and blog, but that only tells you to come over here). Otherwise you can look at the main page of anyone you want.

"Either you think--or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you," Fitzgerald, Tender Is The Night.

"She was looking into my eyes with that way she had of looking that made you wonder whether she really saw out of her own eyes. They would look on and on after every one else's eyes in the world would have stopped looking. She looked as though there were nothing on earth she would not look at like that, and really she was afraid of so many things... Her eyes had different depths, sometimes they seemed perfectly flat. Now you could see all the way into them," Hemmingway, The Sun Also Rises.

Grow food in dirt? Save time--eat dirt.

The Ogre philosopher Gnerdel believed the purpose of life was to live as high on the food chain as posssible. She refused to eat vegetarians, preferring to live entirely on creatures that preyed on sentient beings.

You deify nature as female--kind and gentle--yet you cringe at what is natural.

Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

The secret of destruction is simple: everything burns.

So yesterday was very refreshing. I had work in the morning, but after that it got better. I got home, and replied to someone I randomly found on myspace, with whom I am having a philosophical discussion. [sighs happily] I then picked up Kat, and Jake it turned out, for church. It was Jake's first ever time in a catholic church, and he turned to Kat when the priest got out the bread and wine, and asked, "what? is it snack time?" [laughs] We explained things later; there were no faux pas during mass. Then we went to the Melody club for swing dancing, and actually got there in time for me to join the lindy hop lesson. Jake and Kat did not want to join, especially since it was the last lesson of the 1a beginner set. I picked it up well enough, at least to participate in the class and learn lindy hop. It will take some time for me to get it in my body and overcome bad habits both from ballroom and western style dancing, but that's ok. It was very enjoyable. Naomi and her friend Kristy met us there, and I forced them both to dance a single-step swing. Not at the same time, silly! You can't do that with beginners. [laughs again]. Anyway, we proceeded to head home, getting gas on the way (since it is slowly trickling back into Houston's gas stations). We took jake to a friend's so he could drop off some money, but the friend ended up not being there, so he just got dropped off and went with his friend's girlfriend to pick up the friend and get a ride home. [shrugs] Whatever. I then took Kat home, as she thought she might have work today and was tired anyway. Then I met Naomi and Kristy at Taco Cabana, had crappy food that made my stomach ache (induced by too much water on an empty stomach while dancing) worsen, then went and played some pool and foosball. Then Naomi drove the three of us downtown to a park that she likes to take walks in. They stopped, for some reason I do not know, to look at some building that was under construction or something, and I think that the building right across the side-street from the building was Lisa's apartment building, especially since it was only 2 blocks or so from the museum of fine art, which I believe was near Lisa's apartment. [laughs and shrugs] We didn't stop in to see if she was home because I have no idea which one is hers. Plus it was like 2am. Anyway, we had a long walk in the park, along a big pond and through some weird gravel trails and sat and talked on the swing set. It was very nice, though Naomi seemed to be bothered by something, and, as people often do, allowed it to depress her somewhat while she refused to share. She spent some alone time thinking, but c'est la vie. I'm not close enough to push when she says, "I don't want to talk about it." I got home at 4:30, and had work today. [laughs] Oh the joy. Yes, I know I'm an idiot. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time to sleep when I'm cold and dead, years and years from now. Well blogger, I'm off to other things. parks and night and thinking are good. just don't run yourself in circles, literally or in thought. [grins]

"You are told a lot about your education, but some beautiful, sacred memory, preserved since childhood, is perhaps the best education of all. If a man carries many such memories into life with him, he is saved for the rest of his days. And even if only one good memory is left in our hearts, it may also be the instrument of our salvation one day." Dostoyevski

I am disappointed to the heart. My storm comes not. The wind, it is a sad puffing. The rain but water flicked off still-wet hands. The sky is dark, but white clouds flee across it gaily, as youths to a secret party. I am tired, and my eyes fail me. I will sleep through till morning, seeing nothing more than I have. A beautiful sunset, yellow clouds chased by black, yellow sky turning sallow, then red, then flaming magenta, then indigo, then grey, then black. The colors chased each other across the sky, filling it in turn, crowding into each other as they approached the horizon, chased by impotent smothering black clouds. All was done in the space of ten or fifteen minutes, from day to night, the fastest sunset ever. And now I wait. Labor of preparation? Soul searching? Acceptance? All completed. And then this waiting, this impotence, can't leave for the storm could always break suddenly, can't waste resources, even though the storm seems to have been meant for others not us. I wanted to stand outside and be soaked to the core. I wanted to fight against the wind. I wanted to feel alive. I am still here, dying slowly and impatiently. I would have to stand outside for an hour to get wet enough to need a towel. I would have to balance on a fencepost for the wind to be given the chance to blow me over. I feel so dark and alone. We all sit in our holes, waiting for the nothing that comes. It will be terrible, and I will miss it. I can't write the poem I wanted; this muse turned its back to me.

You know what's necessary to stay through a hurricane: a lot of balls, a lot of peace, or a lot of denial. Well, we know that I'm not the most courageous of people; I can hardly stand to be tickled. I'm also pretty good at avoiding denial. I've been looking around my town thinking that it may be the last time I'll see it undamaged. I've looked around my room thinking about what I need to move in case the tree falls through the ceiling or even if the window is blown out and my room is soaked. And I guess I just have a lot of peace that, if you asked, yes I could die tomorrow if it were God's will. I don't think it will be, but I'm not going to be frantically scrabbling at the edges of life or flailing against the waters of death. Not that I mean to say that we'll be flooded to any fatal degree. I'm just...not afraid of death, even though there are lots of things I still want to do. [laughs and shrugs]

Update on the storm: it looks as though it will pass east of us, meaning we'll have lots of wind and rain but less chance of tornadoes and we won't be taking the full brunt of the storm. However, the storm is expected to turn left somewhere in north texas and flood all the texas rivers while it rages around and dies. Heh, the fish will have a good time of it, I expect. Me, I'm just going to put away some of my favorite books in a box and try and keep it safe, along with my cello and my computer. All the rest, I'm going to get off the floor, so if there is rising water but not gusting water, they should stay dry enough. I'm thinking of rearranging some furniture so that it's less likely to be knocked down if wind breaks through the window near it. I know that there is enough foliage around us that a good mess will be made. I'm not sure if looting will be a serious problem or not, but I'm not going to worry about that until later.

So, I live in Houston, part 2 of the Hurricane Season Drama. Hurricane Rita is cat 5 right now, expected to land as a cat 4 in Madagorda, just SW of us down the coast, friday afternoon or evening. i.e. being in west Houston, my area is in what is called the "dirty" side of the storm, so we will probably be hit by a tornado. Most of the gas stations are empty, and most of the grocery stores no longer have bottled water of any size. Drew, as a representative of the water company, is staying. Kat and her family are staying. Matt's girlfriend and kids are staying with him, though whether the 4 of them will take a mini-vacation or not is still up in the air (work was canceled for us friday, saturday and sunday). Charles is leaving tonight with his girlfriend and I think her family, since they live far south of houston and are in the real danger area. Michelle is going somewhere with her cats, probably A&M. My family may or may not leave, but I'm staying, with Kat if nothing else. I may invite Drew to stay here or at Kat's so he isn't threatened with not being able to work because of water in between his house and our area (his work area). I don't know if I will lose power, but I would put money on it. I don't know when I'll be back (after the storm of course, since I'll stay connected up until we have to turn off the breakers to avoid a crazy unexpected surge), but I'll be here tomorrow and some part of friday I hope. [smiles happily] and I'll be sure and describe in great detail all the weather I subject myself to. I'll try to stay safe, because although I plan to die someday doing something exhilerating, I do not want that day to be this week. But if I can watch a tornado approaching, I'm going to. Au revoir, blogger. Until again.

Hello, Blogger. I haven't written in a bit, though many things have happened, because I've been very busy and getting no sleep. To tell you how busy I have been, I got more anime last week and Still have not yet watched it. I am skipping it for you, blogger, in this free time. [laughs] Also, if anyone is reading this that speaks french, I believe Google will translate it for you. I know it translates from other languages into english, though not very well. [shrugs] Ok, so whenever I last wrote, I think wednesday is when I need to start relating life. I picked up Jake and gave him a ride to the store to trade in DVDs for cash, while Michelle picked up Charles for dinner, and picked up Kat but I don't know whether that was before or after dinner. I met them all, along with Cassie, at Midnight Rodeo (Will never showed up). DJ, the wrestler bartender friend, was there, and I lent her my sweater, that I had just gotten back from Jake, because she couldn't hang out in her work uniform and hadn't brought anything to change into. I gave Kat a ride home, and Cassie left while I was gone. Matt and his girlfriend Mindy arrived just as I was headed out. Michelle left shortly after I got back (the three girls all had work the next day). I got back and danced some more, while Matt and Mindy played pool while doing PDAs, or kissed while pretending to play pool, whichever you prefer. Charles and Jake were hanging out, i.e. flirting, with four other girls. Matt and Mindy finally just left, and then it was closing time. I got my sweater back, and Charles and Jake were both drunk, but Jake too much. We took Jake home, then went out to Slick Willies, where the girls said they would be, so Charles could be drunk some more. He only had one more drink there, but it was enough to put him in the same state of drunkenness (with less lost ability to walk) as Jake. I took him to his apartment, where he crashed. I went home and slept.

Then Thursday happened. It has sort of defined the time since. Charles woke me up to come over. I procrastinated. Mom needed the car to go to the bank and the grocery store, so I got on the computer. Grace was on! So she called and we talked on the phone. When we had only been talking a few minutes, I got an instant message from the last person I expected in the world: Delphine, the girl I met in France more than five years ago. For those of you who don't know the story, I went to World Youth Day in August of 2000 with my church youth group. We went to Paris for 2 days, then took the train to Rome, and spent about eight days in Rome. On the train, they had to juggle seating/sleeping arrangements because we had 34 people and the cars each had 6 beds. Well, I volunteered for the car with 4 people from our group and 2 strangers...it turned out to be 5 guys from our group and a french girl. I had studied french, she had studied english, and we had a wonderful 14 hours together, despite both of us having significant others, so there was nothing inappropriate. I had no picture of her, and so I have had to remember her this whole time. We have talked now and then, i.e. we generally go a year or more between times we contact each other. This was the first time we have talked on instant messenger. I felt bad because I was distracted from my phone call with my girlfriend, and slightly bad because I totally ditched Charles. We ended up talking for more than 3 hours, until she had to go to sleep, since 5pm my time is midnight Paris time. I talked to Grace a little more on AIM, then went and hung out with Charles and Michelle (we watched The Grinch), and then picked up Amy for tango (she had to miss the last two weeks). At tango, I had a good time, which was very nice, and surprising, since it has been weird lately, if you remember from previous blogs. I got home and slept. And, even more surprisingly, I was happy. I am often amused, usually having fun, sometimes bored or apathetic, sometimes unhappy, but very very infrequently honest to goodness happy. It was like when you have eaten a really good meal, and you are stuffed, and you know you will be hungry again, but right now you're stuffed and contented. It was like that, but with life instead of food, happy instead of stuffed.

Friday, I had work. [shrugs] Amy had band, so I decided to go to Midnight Rodeo in the evening. I planned on leaving early, and did leave early, but I didn't get the sleep I intended. I ended up journalling on paper. I know, blogger. I haven't journaled on paper in a long time, and it was for reason that there are as many people as I can count on my hand that I didn't want to read it but I just had to say it. Plus, Ian was talking to his girlfriend, and I didn't have the heart to kick him off for the tiny bit of non-paper journaling I wanted to do. I will now type for you the part of that paper journaling that is not of any sort of sensitive nature.

"I just got home from dance class party at Midnight Rodeo. Cast includes myself, Jake (whom I picked up), Kat (whom I took home), Drew (whom I met there), Cassie, new girl Molly, bartender DJ, assorted wait and bar staff, assorted dance class people, and lots of strangers. No one cares.

"Oh, perhaps I should begin by saying that I'm happy. I'm full-happy, as opposed to excited-happy or having-fun-happy. It's the feeling you get in terms of hunger, after a delicious and satisfying meal. It won't last forever, but you're stuffed. I feel that way right now about life.

"Despite that, this evening frankly sucked. Drinking was nothing worth describing, dancing on my part was poor and my partners were only fair, at least my poorness prevented their dancing from being better; the socializing was disappointing and slightly bitter, my friends were barely passingly entertaining, and the music was the same as always: not what I would otherwise be listening to. [Allow me to add that I was a bit upset at the end of the night, and that criticism sounds mean, when it was only intended to be bitter, at myself as much as anything.] The night was emotionally painful, and I don't want to get into it, but I decided I needed to journal on paper..." The reason it was emotionally painful was because I was already feeling slightly distant, not alienated so much as not belonging. I tried dancing with Jake and Cassie, and I was given the cold shoulder, jokingly, but it still hit me hard enough that it took effort to not walk away, but just walk off the floor to where everyone else was standing. It was embarassing for my friends to insult me in such a way, when I already feel that my dancing, when I'm not partner dancing, sucks. Then, a little later, I was swing dancing with Kat and she stopped brusquely and walked off the floor, in the middle of the song. It felt like she had punched me in the face. I tried to get Molly to finish the song, but she resisted like a mule (literally), so I walked around the bar and grabbed (literally) another friend from dance class and nearly carried her by the shoulders to the dance floor, where we finished the song. I thanked her, walked back around the bar, got my drink, and walked away to sit on a couch in a dark corner. I planned on sitting for the 45 minutes left before I said I'd leave, so I wouldn't make Kat and Jake leave early. At some point, I got up for a glass of water, giving Kat the opportunity to spot me and come over, since she realized she had upset me. She had left the floor because she was dizzy, but being drunk enough to be dizzy, she was drunk enough not to say that she was dizzy but to just walk off the floor. We chatted there and she helped cheer me up, enough to make it through the evening, anyway. It was strange, though. Through all that, I was still happy. Being happy and hurt and upset at the same time is a very bizarre feeling. Anyway, I gave Kat a ride home and Cassie said she'd take Jake home, but Molly volunteered, so that worked out. I was at home, journaling, so whatever.

Lastly, this is a line from the middle of the journal, that I feel like sharing because it is important. "...in my friendships and even among acquaintences, I can feel how stretched thin I have become. How...meaningless those relationships are if I am investing almost nothing of myself in them." This is something I mean to try and change. I have had too much quantity, and it has made the quality, from my end, and therefore between myself and my friends, suffer.

So, that crazy journaling was followed by a little sleep (from about 2:15am to 7:15am, 5 hours), then work. Sometime during the day, Charles found out I was going to Galveston for a beach party, and convinced me (I was already considering it before he asked) to drop him off at his girlfriend's on the way and pick him up on the way back. So, we left work at 4:30, picked up by dad, went home, got my stuff, went to his place, got his stuff, went to Drew's and picked him up (after waking him up, since he had worked a lot a lot of overtime that week and was exhausted), then went downtown to pick up a party gift and get dinner at Istanbul Grill (I am no longer allowed to pick a restaurant when we are in a hurry, ever again, but I wasn't going to skip eating there if I was already a block and a half away and starving.), then finally on the freeway south, dropped Charles off at Denny's along the freeway to be picked up by his girlfriend, and Drew and I headed down, took the ferry, and arrived at the party at 10:00ish. The party was about 7 middle-aged people and us, since a lot of people had bailed with excuses, a few had just not shown, and very few youngun's had been invited in the first place. It was very fun; we had homemade margaritas, ambushed people with some water balloons, ate chocolate cake, danced (or that was just me and the person who invited Drew and me), and walked along the beach. It was beautiful; the moon was full, the skies were mostly clear, the wind was warm, about 10mph from off the water, making mid-size waves, and the water was warm (the crabs were crabby). I had a strong desire to just walk into the water and keep going as far as I could. I don't think I've ever had so strong a connection to the ocean, or any body of water, as I did that night. [laughs] I know, superlatives exist and are used for relatively but not absolutely superlative things. I'm sure I've had connections like that before, but not in a long time. It made me want to swim to California or France, whichever I hit first (which, of course, would be neither, as I'd drown eventually, before reaching Mexico or the Bahamas, which were in the direction I was pointed). As my heart had been happy before (and was wearing off but still mostly happy), now my soul was happy. As all good things must come to an end, so did our stay; we headed out around 2:40, but we had to wait for the 3:30 ferry. We finally got to Denny's at 4:15, and Charles was not answering his phone, having fallen fast asleep. We finally got him after we had eaten breakfast, which was lucky, since I had to get Drew home and get myself home to shower for work. We picked up Charles, took Drew home, took Charles home, and I got home and into bed at 6:45. Mom would never have let me drive to work sunday if she had known I got so little sleep [laughs] but I woke up at 7:15 (and got out of bed at 7:30) to shower.

Work was very hard, being so tired, having a good amount of business, working with James (the new guy), etc. I had to leave with a lot of stuff unfinished because I had to get to church for LifeTeen. I had been entirely confused about which week it was because I had gotten a bunch of emails concerning a particular lifenight, which happens to be next week not this week, but it worked out. I managed a 15 minute nap before we did all the preparation stuff. There were a lot of beach balls, and playing kickball with one of the teens helped me wake up before church. As usual, I greeted everyone who came in throughout mass, which meant I had to stand in the back throughout mass. It's ok, it's kinda fulfilling, besides letting me stand around and fidget, dancing around and stuff, rather than falling asleep in a pew [laughs]. The game that night was we got the teens into small groups, and they had to run up one at a time, get whipped cream and chocolate syrup and a cherry in their mouths, then run back. I ignored the cherries, but I got it all in their mouths and none all over their faces, and my team went all the way through twice. They were awesome! and I gave them the bowl of cherries to share afterward. One of the teens saved a bottle of whipped cream for personal snacking purposes, but I had to take it away later because of friend-induced attack/messes. We also did small groups for the first time, and I kinda sucked at it, but not enough that we digressed from the topic. I'll get better at drawing them into on-topic conversations eventually. I also managed to only talk about myself twice, and only because I was asked direct questions (i.e. the questions that I was trying to get them to answer). Success! [laughs] Anyway, I was pretty awake (exhausted but not tired) at the end, and I managed to get out of the post-night meeting to go "sleep", but I went with Amy to the last 45 minutes of dancing at the melody club. We saw a couple friends from last time, including the guy Stefan that Amy is trying to get to come to Crossroads, and made a couple of new friends, of whom Christina is the only one I remember. One of them was a guy who goes to Lifeteen at another church and may come to ours, since he finds his a little boring. [grins] we'll see. then I took Amy home and got to bed by 12:15. And this week is work monday, work tuesday, work wednesday [sighs]. This weekend there is another hurricane that may hit Houston, enough of a chance that Galveston is having a mandatory evacuation (its escape routes suck even more than New Orleans') and we're supposed to check our supplies of batteries, water and non-perishable foods. Anyway, I am tired of writing. I am sorry that this entry is way way too long, but at least I used paragraphs [laughs]. Talk to you laters, blogger.

So, blogger, I am in the mood for another adventure. By that, I mean that I'm in the mood to write something and I can't really come up with anything satisfactory, so I'm going to do something I call "blind stream of consciousness". The whole problem, I find, with "stream of consciousness" is that you look back at what you have written and allow it to influence where your mind is going. Don't lie, you know you do it too. So, because my typing skills are pretty good, I close my eyes. Until I'm done. I mean, typos are corrected by backspacing with my eyes closed, trying to discern/remember exactly what mistake I made. However, as in normal stream of consciousness, grammar is thrown out the window. If you feel brave, you may take this journey with me by reading onward. If not, I won't hold it against you. Just...don't read too quickly. I'm not exactly a record-breaking typist [laughs]. So my thoughts, while about the speed of the text, are the speed of the typed text, not the speed of the read text. (oh, and I'm listening to t r a n c e [] c o n t r o l)

It has been a long day. I don't know exactly where it stopped or ended, but that's what I want to say. I've lost the thread, well, the Exact thread, of it all. But that's how it goes some days. Some days you just keep going, like an energizer bunny, and some days you just wander like picking your way through a previously unexplored forest, holding your shoes in your hand because you want to feel the earth and grass beneath your feet, and you just keep walking in whichever direction you want to at that exact moment. My day hasn't been exactly like that, but kinda close. I read two books, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, and Prince Caspian, books 1 and 2 in The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. They're nice, but very obviously children's books. I want to dance, but I don't want to go out. I also need to shower before i g go out [laughs]. But whatever. It's not as if you care what I look like, sleeping late and reading and gardening and sitting in front of my computer. I mean, there's always the sexy talk, "What are you wearing?" :What are You wearing?" [laughs] whatever. I can imagine lots of things, so I don't need that. Grace was online tday, so that was nice. I got to talk a little, inbetween reading my book [laughs]. It isn't so much the beat as the rhythm, if you know what I mean. Music has a beat, and that's the actual sounds that make up the metric structure of the song, but the rhythm is different, while corresponding to the beat. Sometimes it syncopates, or however you spell that. Sometimes it follws exactly. I've always been a firm believer in not allowing music to stagnate, but I've also not been one to let words die from lack of use, either. Well, words that make sene to use, anyway. There are some cray words, of which I can't give you examples, for a reason, that just make no sense to have in your vocabulary. No one knows them, much less yourself. No one needs them, because there is something else tha tworks just as well in their steads. Or, no onOops, tried to backspace by holding down backspace, don't know how much I got [laughs]. Oh well, it happens. That's why blind journaling is blind journaling. I can't stand it though I like it so much. Not moving. I always stand around doing little spins or foot sweeps, or shifting my weight to work on my balance. Sitting is almost unnatural to me, in charis here in front of the computer it's necessary, in front of a steering wheel it's necessary. Anywhere else? No, not really. Kat and Michelle are going to be at dance class tomorrow, but Drew has work. [sighs]. I just cheated, I stretched, and I opened my eyes to find hte keys. Don't worry, I didn't look at the screen. [laughs]. Blind journaling is also useful for writing stories that you keep finding yourself blocked on, because you keep wanting to go back and edit them. It doesn't help you make sense of anything, but it helps you get stuff actually written out on electronic paper (I do not use the phrase edashpaper_. I totally have no idea if I hit the parenthesis or not [laughs]. Anyway, life is movement, life is sounds, recording in words and songs, but they are just composites of things that already have power. I am always struck by certain keys, certain phrase structures, certain words or tonal groupings, but no one ever cares about those anymore. I think I'm just a random freak. The scinetist of language and sound, disecting words the way lab workers disect pigs and frogs and brains and the universe aroun dus. Oh yah, the ohter thing about blind journaling is that you lose your balance. [laughs]. You find yourslef regaining your balance, but it's off center, as if you were a leaning tower of Pisa. It seems so normal for us to see it sideways now that we can't imagine it upright. Fill in the voids, fill in the gaps, make me sing a song of longing that already exists, or turn the pages on a world that no long er matters, this is true journaling, typing as fast as the words come into your head that lack all conformity to rules all is nothing, I have no idea what I'm sayin ghalf the time but my figners don't stop because my mind doesn't stop and I can't stop the words from spilling out like eggs, insects, like some honey monstersed dish of egg bread man I'm not even hungry I don't know why I'm thinking of eggs [laughs] but it happens and I have no idea where to go, I am running down blindly dark alleys, have you ever played that game where you walk somewhere you know you've been and you're not going to hit something but you close your eyes and see how many steps can you take, how many beacuse you get frightened not of the dark not of hitting something simply of not knowing where hyou are, like a search algorythm, for every second there is a larger and larger space that you might be based on your initial position gand possibility of motion variance, you make a cone or horn or even a sphere depending on what you're doing, it's crazy. And sometimes you stop and try to figure out where you are without cheating and opening your eyes, and sometimes you keep walking but you open your eyes because you can' ttake it anymore, I don't know, I think going blind would be my preference of disability. I think I could live with not being able to see. I would have to clear a lot of space for dancing, and I can already mostly type, I just couldn't edit [laughs]. I could still play my cello, and sing songs. I couldn't read lips anymore, to help me cheat and learning songs on the fly [laughs] oh well, I'm not blind, I m just thinking about it. What disability would you choose if you were forced to? Like making a video game character, you get some strength snad some weaknesses, no perfect character, only balanced but not fantastic if you don't want a slow and powerful one or fast and somewhat weak one or highly magical but not very physical or smart and not agile or dumb and physically amazing. I don't know, the superhuman does not exist because there is no such thing ans havin gno flaws is impossible. sometimes I type one word and I meant to type another so I have to shift the sentence I was typing, on the fly, you understand, to incorporate that word. If you are looking, you can change it. Here, I can't. This is more naturally me than anything else you'll ever get, and yet it's not because there are always sublayers to what I'm thinking about. I'm busy missing Grace, and thinking about dancing, and the people I dance with, and the people I don't dance with, and the people who I wish I could be friends with but they have lives that don't corss mine enough, and my actual friends who I don't see enough because I'm a jerk or something and how I didn't call back Kat yesterday, and I couldn't get anyone on the phone today but I didn't call the people that I always talk to expect Drew because I always call him beacuse I have his number memorized, I uused to have 4 memorized numbers, now it's only his and Grace' numbers, and not her cell either, just her home phone number, which granted includes the calling card info, but still. [sighs]. And sometimes I sit in silence. perhaps I should put an elipsis, but the whole point of sitting in silence is that you're sitting in silence, not thinking about typing elipses to fill the void of not thinking about something else, because you're then thinking about ellipses, and that's not silence at all. And sometimes you just take a deep breath. thinking takes something out of you, that's why I do it, that's why I write, I already feel half empty from earlier, like a glass left under a leaky faucet, it's a big leak, ora small cup, but either way I have to empy it sometimes, or it becaomes too much and overflows, soaking the cup, making a mess. nobody wants a mess. I put up with messes sometimes, because I'm that kind of guy. I don't know, I hate being an asshole, I hate being the scummy person I'm becoming at times. It's not the jokes, it's the way I think, just like it's not the way you look but the way you think, a beautiful person isn't beautiful if there is nothing on the inside. "No one is creepy on the inside, Hazel." a quote from The Sandman, speaker is Death, Morpheus' older sister. heh hit non techno. I heard about a music and dance called House the other day, supposedly has replaced Tachno and raving, though techno has been out anyway replaced by electronica and ambient, I don't think anyone calls themselves a techno artist anymore. It's all club mixes and smood music and stuff, don't know. But raving, i.e. rave dancing, is out, so I'll have to tell Drew, because he doesn't know. that's fine, ballroom was out once, swing was out once, it just took dedicated people still doing it, no tletting it die, to bring it back to mainstream. You never know, you never know. I think I'm done, I'm not empty, but I"m empty enough, and if you read all this crap I just wrote, I'm very impressed with you, because I'm not going to freakin' reread it [laughs]. [sighs] Ok, goodnight, blogger. STay sane, in whatever ways you have to. And keep dreams alive, because we are nothing without them, they define reality for us, as death defines life, despair defines joy, desire defines hatred, etc. darkness, and it's good.

Well, blogger, it has been another fun and interesting week. I can't even remember everything that happened. The best story from it was getting totally sloshed wednesday night after western dance class, with Drew, Kat, and 3 of kat's friends. (Cassie, you left too early...I guess for the best, since you had work thursday [laughs]) It was a fun evening, but for the amount of alcohol consumed and repurcussions that followed from it (we drank to "trouble" one too many times, I think. Thanks, Drew!), and the fact that I've had equivalent fun without alcohol (or minimal alcohol) on several similar occasions, brings me to the point that I don't intend to repeat such an evening. Plus, being unable to get rid of the vomit smell inside one's own nose, despite showering, is not pleasant. Nor is still having a headache the next evening. The high point of the week, however, was not said fun time, but was Grace's visit on thursday. Yay! It was brief, since she was only here for a few hours on layover on her way moving to sunny San Diego. We went on a date to Fuddruckers, a burger place where more than half the toppings are on a buffet. We danced a little, because there was swing music, but we more sat and talked and shared food and split an oreo shake (so good). It was wonderful. I know, I know, love sucks and hurts, etc., but we put up with it for the wonderful times, like those 3 hours, right? [laughs] [sighs happily] Anyway, it has not been entirely downhill since her visit. I did need desperately to go home and take a nap after her visit, about 2 hours, at which point I woke up and went to tango. Lisa from swing dancing was there, along with a couple friends, as well as Eric (the guy I keep meaning to take private lessons from and don't) along with his girlfriend down from Canada (three weeks of vacation...they know how to vacation in Canada, he says). It was as much fun as it has been the last couple weeks, in terms of dancing, but I was saved by Lisa, who took me to a vietnamese restaurant nearby, since she was starving and we were making good conversation. we split vietnamese eggrolls for an appetizer; they are like regular eggrolls but you wrap them in lettuce and cilantro and dip them in some sweet sauce, really really good. Then we split some steak and grilled veggie platter with tomato fried rice, which had big chunks of garlic ("Good for after dancing, not before," says Lisa). That was also delicious; it's not on the menu, but she goes there all the time, and tomato fried rice is a vietnamese regular dish, so they know how to make it. I love a good conversation; she talks almost as much as I do. But much much more direct. For example, her advice to me is not to get a job, as everyone else's is, but to move to California and not waste a year being far away. [laughs] Another example: there was a girl that came in as we were finishing up, and she was standing at the front counter, and she looked like Marilyn Manson. She had pale skin, black hair, a high forehead, her hair cut shorter in the back fading to long in the front, all brushed over to one side, full lips and a well-defined nose, a long face with soft but defined cheekbones. She looked like how I always picture Marilyn Manson, based on a photo from a few years back. I commented on this to Lisa. Lisa did not turn around and surreptitiously look at said girl. Oh no, she stood up with the check, walked over to the counter to pay, and, as a conversation starter, said to the girl, "So, my friend thinks you look like Marilyn Manson, but I think you look cute." No, I was not assaulted; the girl was nice, just goth. I'm sorry I offended her, because I didn't mean to say that she looked horrifying or satanic or anything. She was kinda cute, actually. But she had a striking resemblence to Marilyn Manson. [sighs and laughs] Anyway, I decided to stay home tonight, because I got off work late and got home just in time to leave for tango lessons, and was exhausted and not in the mood and Amy isn't a big fan of lessons anyway, not tango anyway, I think she'd be a bigger fan of swing lessons, which might be a possibility, though not this week probably. And being home, I decided to stay home, do some homework for Lifeteen (like turn the narration notes into an actual skit outline that I can use on sunday) and call people. It has been far too long since I've called anyone besides Drew to talk rather than make plans. So yes, I am at my house, and I'm relaxed, and it's nice. And I think I'll go watch TV with my parents. So, au revoir, blogger. Until again.

So, I have now officially entered the Houston Swing Dance scene...and I bought soap! [laughs] Full story is that because Amy couldn't do tango on thursday or friday, I agreed to take her swing dancing on saturday. Her brother was supposed to come, but skipped it for aggie football [rolls his eyes]. We went to a big band event, mostly older people with a few people I knew, including a ballroom teacher that is trying to get into the tango scene, young guy named Jeffrey, pretty cool, has his own studio and everything. Anyway, we had enough fun that, since we didn't have LifeTeen on sunday (we only have it when there is school on monday), we'd go swing dancing on sunday as well. Sunday, I woke up at 2pm and got online, to see Kat on. I asked when she was going to come back to Houston, and lo and behold! she had arrived saturday night. So, I picked her up for church and then dancing. Amy, of course, I met at (after) church, along with her mom. And Michelle, aggie friend of Raph's who is now in the choir, remember? She apparently was planning on going out drinking with a friend Andrew for the express purpose of getting drunk, because of a stupid boy (which I will not go into). So, it ended up being all 6 of us that went swing dancing, after getting food at Sonic. Well, I am used to going dancing places and being one of the good dancers, and being complimented at least once. Even though Amy had never done swing with me before saturday night (much less foxtrot, waltz, cha cha, or jitterbug), we were one of the top 5 pairs in the room, for the most part. Sunday night, however, I was made to feel like a total beginner. A) the crowd was actually young, a big surprise to me, but it was because it was co-hosted by the Houston Swing Dance Society (HSDS) and the Rice Swing Dance Society (RSDS), so it was a lot of college students. B) they were not playing foxtrots or any other ballroom. It was strictly different styles of swing music the entire night. C) the girls and guys were not shy, and all of us were asked at least once to dance (except Michelle, because she had twisted her bad ankle on the way in and wasn't up to dancing). D) they were dancing things I have never heard of. One girl was very nice, named Lisa. After I was slightly frustrated by my inability to do west coast (which I have not yet even become fluent in, with the normal wednesday crowd that puts up with a lot), she tried to teach me Lindy Hop but wasn't too sure of the guy's part. I couldn't figure it out at all, not from what she said and not from watching. And no, it was nothing like the Lindy basic that we learned for Jive...the feet may have been similar for a particular move, but, as she put it, I'm supposed to move the girl, not just move around her. Heh! so much for that. She then tried to teach me some Charleston, and from what I've seen my lovely girlfriend do, I thought I was halfway there. Not even close. I could barely do the basic...the syncopation was too much for me. I mean, really, what's up with kicking and stepping and stepping and kicking and stepping? I can fake it now, but I doubt I'd be doing it on the right beats. She then pointed out a really good dancer doing balboa...yah, I haven't even heard of that. I've heard of zydeco, but I couldn't point it out to save my life. What about west coast, you ask? yah, a few people I danced with could do some west coast, but much much better than I, and east coast isn't exactly foreign so much as boring...it's like doing a basic bronze foxtrot when you could be doing an international foxtrot or a gold american foxtrot. None of them wanted to stick to a 6-beat swing at all, and only did because I was leading...thank goodness for that, at least! [laughs] Anyway, Amy and I just danced what we knew, i.e. what I could lead since she knew nothing but could follow well. I danced some basic swing with both Kat and Amy's mom, and they were both fun but had trouble getting beyond the basic. Anyway, I bet you've forgotten about the soap, haven't you? [laughs] Well, I said goodbye to Lisa, having no idea when I'll see her again since my sundays are usually not free, and she gave me her email, i.e. her business card, to let her know when I'd be out dancing. I said, "oh, you have your own business cards!" and she replied, "yes, I make soap." I then said, "really? I'm almost out of soap." She said, "what kind?" I said, "Rosemary," to which she said, "Well, I have Rosemary Mint. It's in my car, if you'd like to come smell it." [laughs] Long story short (too late), I got a bar of Rosemary Mint and a bar of Woodland Pear, and Amy's mom got a bar of Rasberry Lemonade. Lisa also commented how much the burt's bees soap is a ripoff, she has all the ingredients and could make it for much cheaper. [laughs] So, now that I've talked up her soap, her website is www.fetosoap.com (feto being greek or latin or something for "fetus", www.fetopia.net being her friend and colleague's site. no, I don't know why they named it that). Anyway, the rest of the evening was Michelle and Andrew heading over to Wild West, a country dance bar that I've heard about and driven past and so recommended for further dancing and getting drunk purposes. I took Amy and her mom home, then came back with Kat, and there was much dancing. Kat is fun to dance with, but is not very good at keeping her feet under her with a couple drinks, which is ok, because I am good at holding people up. Michelle didn't get totally smashed, which is good, since it was a good drive home and I didn't want puking to happen (Andrew lives in NE houston, way the opposite direction from the other three of us). It didn't, so that was good, everyone had a good time, lots of dancing (Michelle's foot felt better after having stayed off it for a good while), everyone home safely, and to sleep, and I got home from work shortly before I started writing this [laughs]. Anyway, Kat wants me to watch some movie at her house, the name of which I have no idea but it has subtitles, and we are going to see 4 Brothers, along with Michelle and possibly Charles, at some point tonight. So, I will let you go, blogger. Oh, and p.s. Grace, darling, I'm going to call and try and remind you, but before you leave Ohio, get some buckeyes for Kat's dad. It's late summer, meaning early fall; I'm sure you can find a tree to steal some from. [grins] Ok, au revoir, blogger. I'll tell you how the movie(s) go. p.s. havarti dill is good, but better after the second bite, when your mouth has acclimated to it, so don't give up after one bite!

So, I just got back from the Gold exhibit at the museum of natural science; I went with momma sue (my grandmother, who felt "grand" made her sound old...even the great grandkids are supposed to call her momma sue). It was very interesting. Did you know that from 1933 to 1971 it was illegal for US banks, companies or individuals to own gold coins, bullion or the like that was associated with currency rather than jewelry or decadence? Roosevelt, in 1933, declared that all banks, companies and individuals had to return gold to the federal reserve in exchange for paper currency, to prevent the federal reserve from running out of gold. This was Not taking the dollar off a gold standard. Foreign countries, companies and individuals were still paid in gold, when it was requested. However, the federal reserve still began to run out of gold, and so in 1971, Nixon declared that no longer would debts be paid in gold, and the dollar was taken off a gold standard, and it became legal again for individuals to own gold coins, bullion and the like. Also, interesting to know, gold can be beaten into leaf plate 1/16 of a millimeter thick, so that a gold coin the size of a half dollar can be beaten into plate to cover 300 square feet of surface, or every surface of a room approximately 6 feet square and 8 feet high.

Anyway, I need to increase my vocabulary, so I'm going to start looking things up via thesaurus and simply reading the dictionary. Right now I have to leave, but I've started researching colors. It's very interesting, re-discovering the definitions of colors that no one ever uses!