So my clocks are failing me. The clock in my bedroom is now 10 minutes slow instead of 10 minutes fast, and I had to fix the time of the bathroom clock last night because it was 45 minutes slow, and the clock in the living room was an hour and a half slow when I was in there a few minutes ago. I mean, I wake up because a friend called, and I look at the clock, and the clock tells me that my nap lasted 45 minutes...which totally wasn't true, because the cat and I crashed for like 2 hours. And now I was looking at friends of friends on myspace, as I do, and I realized that I need two things. One is light, because I can't write by the light of my computer screen. And the other is food, because I had a tiny sandwich for lunch today. And I've cut back on the raw cookie dough. I only had 3 today. [laughs] which makes for a suger-less starving David. I had meant to go out tonight, but I'm so sore and sleepy. We were working on all my lifts yesterday, because we need to, and my arms are killing me, especially my right shoulder, the muscle that stretches across the top of the ball socket. And I bruised my left heel (don't ask how, but probably jumping), and I'm getting a blister in the center of the ball of my right foot from all sorts of pivots and crap. I think I'm going to start practicing with my ballet shoes, which suck and make my toes feel cramped, but it'll help with the spinning and such. The lifts [laughs], well, I'm just going to have to work out. I tried wall climbing on tuesday, since the swing lesson is at the rock gym, but it made my fingers hurt too fast for me to work out my muscles effectively. [sighs] Anyway, time to fix the "no light or food" thing. So I can write and/or finish my waltz choreography. Seriously, I just need a freakin' partner. I don't think they realize how little the girl needs to learn and that I can do the rest. [sighs] 2 weeks till the show! [laughs] Yah...

So, I went to the store today to buy a new printer cartridge. Well, nothing at walmart seemed to fit my HP printer, so I bought another brand's printer refills, since I'd been planning on buying refilled cartridges from another store (that was closed) anyway. I figured it out, and I refilled the black one with no problem (that I know of...it's in a tin can right now overnight to get the leaking out of its system). The color one, however... Ok, so I have no idea why, but we run out of yellow and have lots of red and blue leftover. We've done it to two printer cartridges. So, I refilled the blue (it took the whole little squeeze bottle without any problems), and then I refilled the red (and it overflowed), and then I refilled the yellow (it took the whole little squeeze bottle, of course, without any problems). And then I try and use it, and...the blue has stopped working. The same site that gave me the instructions told me how to "unclog" it by soaking the tip in warm water...yah, big help. Now the yellow stopped working as well, and the red is being kinda iffy. [sighs] Tomorrow, I'm going by the printer store and giving them the other one, buying a newly refilled one, and asking what I can do with the other refilled-but-not-working one. Stupid print cartridge.

So what to do with my weekend? I have the house all to myself until monday evening, and I have no plans whatsoever except church tomorrow afternoon and work monday morning and dance rehearsal monday evening. I finished a very pretty and complicated letter for Lara, but I have one thing left to do: print a small picture onto the page, which is simple enough...except our printer is out of yellow ink, so my greens are blues, and my reds are magentas. Arg! I think I'm going to have to buy more ink. It was ok printing stuff at Kinko's when the piece of paper was a blank one from their stack, but not now that it's my crazily written (and somewhat irreplacable) piece. Like the poem I wrote on a cardboard pizza tray, this piece of paper has to serve me, and I don't trust it in the jaws of a Kinko's machine (nor the other people to not print anything of their own long enough for me to print mine). [sighs] Anyway, aside from that, I've mostly just gotten little stuff done like getting pictures of dad's camera, some writing, some job hunting, some email sorting. And lots of reading; I'm almost done with Njal's Saga, which was bugging the crap out of me today because they included, verbatim, announcements of legal actions and proceedings, which were repeated twice for some reason that I stopped caring to understand. They quibbled over details enough to get the case thrown out of court, so they just had an open battle instead. [laughs] It's funny to think about, but these guys did not train as warriors. They were farmers or farm overseers, and they recieved weapons from their fathers or their foster-fathers (god-fathers we would call them today) or as gifts now and then. And they would get into crazy fights with spears and swords and axes, and they're just farmers! I often forget that when one guy can use two swings of his axe to kill 3 people, how they were so easy to kill, and it's because for all their fearlessness, they didn't necessarily have any skill or training in fighting besides chopping wood and hoeing soil and hunting animals. They hide behind their shields, and the shields keep getting pierced or cleaved or whatever, not working at all against the guys who actually had skill at arms. It's kinda sad. But anyway, I'd been listening to music, but it keeps distracting me when I'm switching tasks. So my house is silent except for the sound of my keyboard and a cat sleeping and the electric hum of lights and the computer's fans, and it's a restless silence. I miss having friends over. This house hasn't been a place I can bring my friends to hang out since somewhere during college. Sure, people can come over, get the tour, do a little of this or that, board or card games, eat a meal, watch a movie (though I can't remember the last time I had friends over for a movie on the tv in the living room; we always watch them on one of the computers). But it has no real space for guests. Drew suggested having a party tonight spelled "V-O-D-K-A", but I don't even know what we'd do in terms of comfort. Board games, then a movie, during which people fall asleep in uncomfortable positions on the wood floor, and then people head home after the movie. That's all I can think of here. And I'd need to buy food, probably. I only really eat cereal, sandwhiches, cheese and milk, and occasional leftovers here at home. Mom comes up with dinners, but I never see anything when I'm looking for something for myself. I just...I miss Lara terribly. I miss college with people right down the hall. I miss neighbors that might stop by or that I can stop in to bother. I hate being so far from friends that "calling to see if they're free" means "making plans" not "stopping by". And on top of that, my font of inspiration is a little dry right now. Like Lara, all of my creative pursuits feed all the others. My job hunting and desiccated social dance life are killing my creativity. I need to stop writing now, before I sound depressed. But blogger, wish me luck. I don't doubt for a second that I'm going to Florida. I just...need to get everything done between now and then, and it's very frightening.

Today has been extremely open to whatever. I set my alarms for 9 and 9:30, and I dreamed until 11ish. I got up and did a little research and finally got out for shopping at 1:15. I called Vanessa, assuming I was too late for lunch, but I wasn't, so we met for lunch and sat around for a long time. I was stuck in rush hour getting down to the vintage/antiques area. And at my second stop, I set around talking to this guy for an hour and a half; he was fascinating, having been a singer and dancer in his day, making it on broadway and yet giving it all up to raise a family, not regretting it at all, and now renting and selling formal wear (tuxedos and dresses for weddings and such). We're going to keep in touch about my dancing career. I then tried a couple more places and then headed home, but I called Dina, since I was free, and we ended up watching Over The Hedge, which was very good (but not as good as Cars), and I recommend it, as long as you don't hate Ben Folds, who does most of the songs [laughs]. Then Dina and I had dinner. The poor dear is too picky for her own good; she sent her dinner back and replaced it because it wasn't what she expected. [laughs and shrugs] I even managed at one point to speak softly enough that she had to ask me to repeat myself, which is a first, since usually she's telling me to talk more quietly, not just because of the subject of the conversation but because my volume hurts her ears at times. It has been that kind of quiet, patient day. It was nice not feeling rushed at all, knowing I had deadlines but not worrying about them. [grins] Anyway, it has carried over to now; I have work tomorrow, so I need to get my sleep, but I'm still up reading and blogging. [laughs] So, I guess I'll get my sleep, so my coworkers won't hate me. Goodnight, blogger. sleep well, dream well, live well, etc.

To Do List:

Bug Lara to make a plan for Atlanta, so we can
Figure out when Troy will be in Florida, to buy his flight home
Practice my dance choreography
Vintage Shop for my costume tux coat
Job Hunt
Car Hunt
Find out what size and kinds of loans I could get from the bank for a car
Research Apartments
Save real money for apartment downpayment
Figure out how much I am moving
Research the cost of moving
Write email to everyone about my life
Send tango email account info to Ron
Read
Write
Eat
Sleep
Go to work
Go to dance rehearsals
Have a heart attack and die of stress overdose...wait, no...

So the good news is that there are lots of publishing companies in the Sarasota area, much less the St. Petersburg and Tampa areas. So now I just have to update my resume to reflect what I've been doing the last couple of years. The bad news is that I can't talk to Lara on the phone All the time. I know, they're not related. But more good news is that my dancing seems to be falling into place; for example, on monday, I was having trouble with lifts during rehearsal, and tuesday, at my swing lesson, we worked on the basics for aerials! I'll be throwing girls around, I mean doing lifts, in no time! [laughs] The neither-good-nor-bad news is that updating my resume shouldn't be hard since I've worked so hard to make it look the way I want, and getting a car or something here in Houston looks to be a better idea than buying one when I get to Florida. Also, I'm still horribly in love. That's for you, Troy, who said to "give it a month". I'm telling you, it takes serious effort to be an Air instead of a fire when I'm talking to Lara, or thinking about Lara, or actually being with Lara, much less something grounded like earth or water. And it's not going to wear off [laughs]. Anyway, I think I might sleep. Or write more [laughs]. Goodnight, blogger.

Do you know what is so horrible? That our lives are filled with things that are extremely important, extremely formative, things that made us who we are and define where we are going. And we have forgotten them. we have forgotten them.

Why is it that some people are impossible to talk to? I mean, some people I have such difficulty talking to about anything non-trivial. It's not even an issue of courage, because sometimes I have the courage to bring up difficult conversations, and even then, they won't come up. I thought of a cute quote earlier: "I thought I was full of courage, but I was just full of shit. I went to the bathroom, and my courage was gone." But no, I tried calling to talk, not just chat, and I couldn't get through the barrier between us. I couldn't navigate that maze, nor push my way through it. I kept looking for an opportunity, but they never came, like trying to cross a busy street. My only other possibility is going to be the wild leap over it and hope I don't trip or land on anything spiky or get crushed by two-way traffic (to mix my metaphors). I really need this to happen today, before it gets lost in the rush of things. Wish me luck, blogger. I hate losing friends just because we don't talk.

I wonder what is happening in blogland amongst my friends? My regulars have in general stopped posting, and even I have slacked off to about once a week posts (I tried posting the other day and it wasn't working). I feel like my few posts are CPR keeping it alive a little longer, a little longer, until the paramedics arrive. Will they proclaim it dead? I hope not. I like this venue of self-expression. Not that I believe anyone but my mother is a regular reader. [laughs] I am indulgent lately, and also impatient. By that, I mean I am indulgent with myself, and less patient with others. I just...feel like I'm on my way out of town already, like the sun has crested its peak and everything from here is the dive to the horizon. I know I have two months left, meaning one and three quarter months of work left, two months of dancing left, one month of dance training for my show left, and two months to become an expert on cars, apartments, loans, and moving processes. I seriously think I may stop social dancing until after the show, then cram it in before I go, which would leave me a lot more time to get writing and research and hunting done. I'm attached to all my social venues for one reason or another, but work gives me money, and it's the only other significant time constraint upon me. I always tell myself I can just cut back a little, but really, I can't. I'm a dance-a-holic. I went last week, so I have to go this week. I haven't seen this person in a while, so I have to go to the venue where they will be. I really like that place; I always have fun. Yes yes yes, but your future is right there, David, and it's time to face forward again. It's hard, though. I know, you big wuss, but you'll get over it. Besides, think of it as acclimation, since Sarasota has a tiny dance scene in comparison. Better to go cold turkey now than to go into serious withdrawl when you get there, right? Oof. Well, another decision has been made. Tomorrow, sunday, will be my last social dance venue until after the show, at which point in time I will have a job there, and I will throw myself into social dancing for a frenetic two weeks, and then in august I won't have a job here, and I will be finalizing everything and packing and whatnot. Oof [laughs]. Blogger, I have a lot to do! See ya.

Oof, it's been like a week since I blogged. I'm tired. So tired that I almost mispelled tired. And so tired that I'm not positive that I didn't mispell "mispelled". It's not that I'm not getting sleep. It's that I keep doing things that exhaust me [laughs]. Today, for example. I helped Lara's parents pack a moving truck full of large potted plants. Then I nearly died eating sushi, when I ate a bite of wasabi that caused my throat to close up and simultaneously caused me to have a coughing fit; my ice tea saved my life. I've had a bigger bite of wasabi than that in the past and I was fine, so I'm not quite sure what went wrong this time. Also, I went swimming, which I'm not used to, so it puts pressure on my lungs that I'm not used to, and so tires me out. I then managed to re-write a resume in less than an hour that focused on my dance experience rather than my writing experience, followed by 2 hours of intense ballet/modern dance warm-up and rehearsal, followed by swing dancing to a live band at a nearby club. All of this with stretches of tiring driving interspersed here and there. All of this while energized (i.e. burning more bodily sugars) because of the "I'm crazy because I'm newly in love" feeling, which does not go away just because she's not near me. I hear this state can last up to 3 years. Lara's response to that was, "Three years? That's it? That's quitters' talk!" [laughs] I'm going to sleep now, blogger. I'll post more tomorrow. Plans and such, feelings and/or opinions. [laughs] goodnight.