So, things in my life:

V for Vendetta was good. I recommend it to anyone not offended by politically subversive films. The fact that it's based on a comic book should not deter you, unless you really really hate movies based on comic books. Please, don't compare it to Daredevil or Fantastic 4. Those movies sucked. This one was good, or at least good enough, for those of you who are critics.

I seem to be in a "contact people" zone. Dina (from tango) and Paul Strobl (the cousin who was long-lost for most of my life) called and emailed, respectively, out of the blue. Dina wants to rejoin the tango world (good for her!) and Paul wants to re-invite me for dinner, since our attempt to have dinner together months ago failed. Also, Drew has called multiple times, and Vanessa called, neither of whom I have really had good contact with lately, Drew because he didn't really have a phone and Vanessa because she has a boyfriend taking up most of her free time. Last week, Eleasha gave me her number so I could call her instead of just showing up where she works to bother her (so inconvenient, except on Fridays when I'm near it for dancing anyway), and Troy got my email address so that he can actually contact me himself without stealing Vanessa's phone for my number, and Tracey gave me her email address so we can finally share some writing (not that she checks it more than twice a week regularly...heck, she doesn't even own a phone). And, last but not least, Grace and I are keeping in touch via email and aim. Hopefully, it will last. I love her dearly, and it pains me not to know what's going on in her life, or to think she doesn't care if I write or not. So right now, I know what's going on in her life, and I know she cares that I write because she told me I better write [laughs]. Ah demanding women. And they should be, when they know what they can demand and what they can't. [laughs] it sounds like a paradox, but it's not. Men like knowing what women want, and giving it to them, as long as it's not something we're unwilling to give, because it makes us feel like we're important. Unfortunately, some men aren't willing to give anything, and that's when they are total shits, and you should drop their asses like socks too dirty to bother washing.

Oh, my computer is mostly working. I set up my outlook express, both email accounts, and moved the files back to where they belong, all by myself. One less thing I have to bug dad to help me with is a good thing [laughs]. And I can listen to my music. I just need to add my most recent cds to my library, since I think I've got about 6 cds that aren't part of my playlist. Heh.

Lastly (for tonight, since I have other things to do before bed), I wrote a poem/poetic prose piece this evening...on a cardboard pizza tray. I covered the entire tray, and it's entitled Stream of Consciousness on a Pizza Tray. It's written in maroon ink, so I'm not sure if I can scan it effectively (if the computer can't tell the difference between the brown cardboard, the dark brown grease stained cardboard, and the ink), but I'll give it a shot. I'm not sure that it will have the same effect as a long paragraph on electronic paper. I'll post one or the other on LJ when I get a chance tomorrow. Yay for my day off!

Oh, and I'm learning dancing again, specifically swing, and I'm having fun tango dancing again, so that's good too. I was worried for a bit, but I guess the little bit of time off, or backing off anyway, worked.

And my throat hurts. The green tea at Salentos is best steeped for about 10 minutes. Any longer, and it gets too strong and turns bitter, but before that, it has a pleasant herb and spice flavor, which combined with the hot water, was wonderful for my throat. I woke up with it today. Maybe it will be gone tomorrow. Pray for me, or cross your fingers, whichever you think works best. [laughs] Goodnight, Blogger.

"I knew even then that she was right. An en is a karmic bond lasting a lifetime. Nowadays many people seem to believe their lives are entirely a matter of choice; but in my day we viewed ourselves as pieces of clay that forever show the fingerprints of everyone who has touched them. Nobu's touch had made a deeper impression on me than most. No one could tell me whether he would be my ultimate destiny, but I had always sensed the en between us. Somewhere in the landscape of my life Nobu would always be present." Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha.

It's an interesting thing to consider, that those to whom we are inevitably drawn may only be meant to make impressions upon us and not really share in our lives at all. There are so many people in my past that I wish I could talk to again, sit down with over coffee or a meal, bowling or a play or dancing. And there are many that I never want to see again. The indelible marks upon me are not random fingerprints of men and women, but the tools used by the Potter to bring out the form in me the clay. To believe that you have the power to change the world is to believe that others have the power to change you. To know that others are clay which can be shaped by your hands is to know that to be open to change is to put your trust in others. It's time for sleep, and even there, I am shaped further, slowly but surely.

I'm sorry, my last post was...well, very negative. I looked back at my last few posts, and I've been setting a negative tone that I didn't mean to put. I'm happy for my coworkers getting better jobs. and I'm having a pretty good time myself. I found some friends with whom I can be a larp-nerd, not that I have time for it, but people who actually play the game I play(live), namely Changeling the Dreaming. It's set in the same world as Vampire the Masquerade and Werewolf the Apocalypse, but we're fae, and our battle isn't against monsters but against the banality of the world. [laughs] I know you don't care about the game, but one sentence didn't hurt, did it? I'm looking forward to more learning. I just read Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, and I took a big bite out of Memoirs of a Geisha last night (it's very different than the movie), and I'm going to be learning dancing more soon! Also, I have just released my beloved girlfriend back to Ohio and her family. I know there are big red flags that may make it impossible for our relationship to work out in the long run. But there are also big green flags that say Go Go, man, it just takes more work, but it's worth it! With anyone else, those red flags would be powerful, but Grace makes compromises like a debater or fish-merchant, unwilling to give an un-earned inch, so I know that no matter how hard we butt heads, we're not compromising who we are and hating the other for it. We're learning what it takes to be so strongly independent and yet live not for oneself. Even if we don't get married, breaking up and going our separate ways somewhere down the road, I wouldn't give up the lessons I've learned any more than the dancing and the laughing and the holding of hands. Plus, you don't know what love is if you've never loved someone who responded to your love. I don't mean someone who took advantage of your love, or someone who inspired your love, or someone who just loved you back. I mean someone who treasured it and allowed you to know it. Someone who would rather die a thousand deaths than throw your love on the ground and step on it. You don't meet people like that very often. Because people like that to grow up in a selfish world like this one aren't common. And then, for that person to be absolutely wonderful and exactly what you want and need, it's beyond words, even for me... Ah, fire, how I long to flutter my way around you, beat my wings in your dancing arms and blink the world away into the next. My recent rage is a symptom of my illness, that malaise of the spirit that I've allowed to settle upon me. Grace is such a wonderful cure for it, demanding I be who I ought to be and not merely who I am. I'm going to end this post. I'm not happy, blogger. I'm not sure I know what real happiness is, though I can imagine it. But I'm close enough to make blind grabs for it, with a smile on my face. If my example or my words help you find happiness, enjoy it a little extra for me, won't you?

ah, finally back. My computer was out for a bit because of a virus, and I didn't work on it much because Grace was visiting for a week. Man I love that woman. Anyway, there are a couple new things in my life. Namely, my job is getting a little shake-up. The GM and the Head Chef are both leaving ASAP, so my job position will be unstable for a bit. as I said, my computer was reformatted, and though I was able to save everything, I'm more than a week behind on email, my sound doesn't work at all, and all my files are in random places, not to mention having to reinstall all the random little crap. I doubt I'll be able to make all my movies work, so when I get around to testing them, I'll either get more codexes (codecis?) or throw them out and make space in folders and binders. And lastly, I'm almost certainly going to be taking private lessons for lindy starting very shortly. There are multiple options in terms of partners and teachers, but it needs to start happening soon before I let the momentum drag to a standstill.

So, I was really really pissed off at work yesterday. And my darling Grace will understand perfectly and probably be filled by the same rage at hearing this account. Matt was showing me a new toy he's interested in, being from the "I want it so I'll buy it" class. Unfortunately, he's also a product of the "I can do whatever I want as long as I can afford it" generation as well. This new toy: an ipod-type satelite-radio-ready car stereo/DVD player...for the driver. You say to yourself, "Wait, that's a bad idea." You're right, it is; so the makers, whomever they are, installed a catch: the DVD function only works while the parking break is engaged. I pointed this out to Matt, and his immediate response, here's the anger-generating part, was, "Well, I'll have to get That rewired!" I asked him how he intended to watch movies while driving, and he claims he would just listen to them. I pointed out that it's still distracting, and his response was that music is distracting. Yes, it is, but it doesn't have any visuals that offer the temptation to watch. He says, "What, you mean you would just let your kids complain about not being able to watch their cartoons?" "YES!!!" (my response falls flat because his question was rhetorical). His response, "Oh yah, you don't even have a cell phone. Ah, I can drive with my knee. I'm good. I won't get into any accidents because of it." "You know Matt, accidents happen because they're accidents. Cars are some of the most dangerous things we use, and we can't prevent accidents, we can only minimize them. This DVD player isn't minimizing risks!" His response is to wave me off, having refused to listen to me further. Errggg!!!!!!!!!!! (note the number of exclamation points...I rarely use more than one. They are expressing my extreme anger). The thing is, that, while I know Matt is an idiot, and selfish, and imagines he can see from other people's perspectives yet just doesn't care or sympathize with their positions, ever, he is not the only person who would see that and think the same thing. If Matt would think that, then 10,000 other Houstonians, at least, would see it and think the same thing, and of those, some of them would actually carry out that plan. I hate the increase of technology. I hate how it becomes grafted to us, that music and cartoons and voices on the phone are "necessary". Matt literally spent the entire day on the phone yesterday. The entire time we were at work, while he worked, he was either calling someone with his hand-free phone, answering calls with his hand-free phone, or he was on one of several more-than-an-hour-long conversations with his girlfriend. He'll even have conversations with people in real life, i.e. coworkers who have to talk business to him, while still on the phone with his girlfriend. Errggggg!!! [tries to stop thinking about it before the veins in his head explode).

So, I'm getting some good writing done. On paper, unfortunately, so it means I'll have to type it up at some later time. But it's a good one, in my humble opinion. I don't want to take too much time out away from it, hence I'm just now eating dinner [laughs]. mmm sausage, yogurt, milk, chocolate. the four food groups, right? [laughs] Anyway, Grace gets here tomorrow, and I still haven't cleaned my room very much, nor planned her visit. [laughs and sighs] It's funny, since she seemed like she was looking forward to a crazily-scheduled-by-david week, and I haven't even looked up what's happening next weekend, much less figured out what we're going to do. [laughs and shrugs] Anyway, if anyone wants to call me to do something, feel free. Just because she'll be here doesn't mean I'm going to be trying to spend time without anyone else. I'll just be spending a good majority of the time I'm dancing dancing only with her. [grins] if that's the same thing to you, well, I can't help you.

So life is going well. There's always so much to talk about, and yet, nothing I really want to talk about right now. I'm mad at Charles. I understand his focus on work in terms of time, but sometimes it's ridiculous. We got into a fight half an hour ago because I was trying to get the ranch started (we make it ourselves, so I was putting the ingredients in the mixer bowl to leave mixing for them, since I was getting off). He reiterated that I needed to leave, so I reached over and clocked out before finishing the ranch. I literally only had left to open the packets of ranch powder, pour them in and flip a switch, and yet we got into a yelling fight about my Needing to not do a single bit of work off the clock. We didn't get into it today, but it's a matter of insurance. If I'm off the clock, then I can't do any work because I'm not allowed to get work-related injuries. It makes perfect sense. Yet Charles' irrational associating with "off the clock" and "unable to work" carries over such that if he's clocked out, but forgot something, he won't do it, even if someone (me) isn't there to do it for him. Even if it means food going bad or a mess crusting on a surface over night. And it carries over to him yelling at me for trying to finish a task after I've clocked out to make sure I don't hit overtime. Is it so irrational to have a work ethic that believes work should Get Done? [growls in frustration] I'm out.

Have I mentioned that I hate Windows? I was doing fine, all the little spyware and virii on my computer safely locked away so they can run around and make noise but not cause any real harm. Well, Windows decides to send in the cavalry, (it wanted me to download some anti-spyware program), which I did just to shut it up. It wanted me to pay to be able to fix anything, which is dumb, right? If I'm at personal risk, why would I put my credit card info onto another site. I emptied my temporary internet files, cleared my cookies, reset my firewall to require programs to ask for permission to use the internet (it's always like that, but I cleared all my automatic acceptances), and deleted a couple of programs I never use and never allow to use the internet anyway. And now my computer can't access the internet. Even the windows anti-spyware program can't reach the internet. [sighs in frustration]. So if I'm not online much, that's why. grrrr.

So the main problem with having a vivid imagination is that I am able to create fantasy situations in my head and then feel them. For example, right now I am imagining that I have been stabbed through the left side of my belly, and I have to stay awake and conscious because I have to drive some guy's truck to a phone somewhere to call an ambulence. It hurts and sucks. I know, there's something wrong with my head. Regardless, the tight muscle clenching, the rush of bloodflow to the area, the light-headedness, all are psychosomatically real to me despite the lack of a real injury. Brains are so stupid sometimes. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to lie down.

So, I find in recent days that I'm somewhat lacking in courage. I don't mean that I'm hiding from anything, letting fear control me, but that I lack the courage to overcome apathy or complacency in little ways. It's slightly frustrating, and would be more frustrating but right now I don't really care. [sighs] At least I'm learning a lot of good dancing. tango workshops back to back weekends are wonderful things. I love you, Grace, and I can't wait to see you. But for now, I'm going to sleep. I'm sure I'll dream, but I won't remember any when I wake up tomorrow.

So, compiling accurate information about all dance in houston is an imposing task. Not because there is so much information, but because the more I find, the more things I want to go and do! For example, this evening had about seven different options, not counting staying home to work or write. Not all of them were dancing, but still. And, on top of all that, there is an imposing amount of information to sort through! I look at it and I can't imagine sending a single email with all of this information. It would be like sending a weekly novel, all with the same general plot but different character names and other details. But, in addition to cleaning my room, this information needs to be sorted so I can give Grace a good set of options. I don't expect her to want to do everything I generally do [laughs]. But, it's dinner time. au revoir, blogger, until again.